Day One Hundred and Eighty One - Exhilarating And Horrible

I want to scream. I want to beat the shit out of something. I want to run until I can't breathe. I want to do anything but sit here and feel like this. 

Another rejection. Another person who actually said, "Any man who truly gets to know you and doesn't try and make you his is insane." Except he was just trying to make me feel better about the fact that he'd kissed me out of curiosity. Not that I think he knew he was lying, exactly. He believes it. And thinks himself a little insane. 

I have this thing I say to my nieces and nephews. I train them. "How much do I love you?" I ask them. The first few times I ask they question they respond with, "I don't know." or "A lot." And then I hug them, and look them in the eye and say, "More than you could possible imagine." And then I ask them again. And then they blush and look down but they say it. "You love me more than I could possibly imagine." In time, they are no longer shy. They look me right in the eye and say it with a smile. 

I've known him for years. Loved him for years. I hugged him that night and did the same thing. "How much do I love you?" I asked. "A lot," He said. "More than you could possibly imagine." I said. Because it's true. The poor kid doesn't have a clue how much I love him. Few people do. But he really just doesn't get it. He can't see himself clearly.

He inspires me. Watching him grow in Christ and maturity over the past four years, watching him go from being someone I mentored to someone who mentored me has filled me with joy. I've watched him grow from a boy into a man. Watched him become someone I not only love but respect. I've yelled at him when he was being an idiot, whispered to him when he needed comfort, hugged him always. 

I know I love him more than he loves me. But that's usually true of most people I love. It's just the way I love. Even among the special he's always been... special to my heart. I love him in a way I don't love anyone else. 

And the shitty thing is... I wasn't lying. I do love him more than he could possibly imagine. And nothing he could ever say or do is ever going to change that. I will always love him and want to be his friend and do anything I can for him. Nothing will ever change that. Even giving me a false hope and sense of exhilaration... which is only horrible because there was never any hope. Because nothing could change. Because... even exhilaration can't change the fact that I can't seem to move forward. 

The only thing that will really make me feel better is change, is moving forward, is not being stuck. And it's out of my control. I tried, I really did. I went out on a limb with someone I love, I reached for more, and nothing changed. Other than now I have to work to put the lid back on, to kill the hope that someone like that could love, romantically, someone like me, to make everything neat and tidy again so I don't lose him as a friend. 

...When all I really want to do is cry and scream and make things muddy and keep them muddy because I know... I know that if I don't put our friendship back together, if I don't work for it, then it'll disappear because... because he won't. He won't fight for our friendship. I don't know why, just that it's true. And part of me is just so tired of always being the one to swallow my pride and fight for those I love. Just once, I want someone to fight for me.