Day One Hundred and Eighty Two - Because I Want You To Want To

Yesterday, if you read the blog, which I don't blame you if you didn't. It was a temper tantrum. And I needed to throw it. Granted, I didn't need to make it so public in order to feel better, but I needed to throw it none the less.

And that's often how I work. I don't bottle up my emotions well. I am a lot better at staying fairly even keeled if I am able to express my highs and my lows. That's the only way for me to quickly get over it.

I'm not sure if it's the healthiest way. But it is my way. Feeling invisible drives me insane. I did that for a long time. I was always on the fringe of groups. Sometimes I was the person everyone vented to because who was I going to tell? And who was I to judge? They didn't really know me and I didn't really know them. But I just stayed quiet because I figured no one wanted me to dump on them in return and for the most part I believe I was right.

But then I became part of a group and had people who genuinely wanted to know me, even the angry hurt parts. That was shocking, and amazing. I embraced my own worth. And won't go back. If you truly love me when I'm happy, then you'll love me when I'm not. I'm not saying it's pleasant or something you look forward to (unless you're Honky and then you like it when I'm mad because apparently I make really funny 'angry hand motions'). But you'll love me through it. You'll let me lean on you.

And if not... then you don't really love me. And that's okay. I never asked that you did, only that you not lie about it. I understand that not everyone that I love will love me back. I understand that there are people that love me that I don't love in return. I know that relationships, friendships, siblings (both blood and choice), are complicated. They grow, they change, they fade. It happens. Just don't lie about it to make me feel better.

I know that's one of the reasons I love my Sunday Funday friends so very much. Because no one is there for any other reason than because they want to be.

That's how I always want it to be. I know that I always want to be there for my friends. Okay, at the time, I may be rolling my eyes and thinking this is a pain in the ass, but deep down I wouldn't be anywhere else. I just want the same. And for those of you that have been and will be, there are no words for how much I appreciate it.