Day One Hundred and Eighty Six - Now That You're Gone For Good

There is no doubt that people change us. Each interaction has the ability to, and people who are sustained presences in our lives definitely change us. Sometimes subtly, sometimes in vast ways that echo throughout the rest of our lives. And sometimes, as soon as someone leaves our life, we snap right back to the way we were before them. And that's what I want to focus on today. Now that you're gone for good... what remains?

I still have the husker blanket, but that's because now it has different memories. Instead of soaking up my tears, it tells everyone where my loyalties lie and that hawkeye fans will have better luck elsewhere. I'm getting rid of the Dublin sweatshirt. That zipper hasn't worked in years and let's face it, I highly doubt you remember that I have it. Garbage. You did teach me to love Mark Driscoll, which will be a life long obsession, but you tried to get me into Piper and Chandler. I like Piper more now but still struggle with Chandler. I'm gonna throw away your book. It's good, and you should finish it, but me having it isn't going to help it get written. Some of the lessons you taught me have proved true, and so I will hold them close. Others, I realize you were making up as you went, and those have already faded.

Now that you're gone for good, 90% of you will fade from my life. And that makes me feel lighter. Now that you're gone for good, I don't have to worry about what you would think of my life or how you would disapprove of my friends. I don't have to worry about what you'd think of my walk. I just get to live it. I can find my own way, a way in which you have no part. A way which is not predetermined. A way in which I have no idea whats coming and am comforted by the unknown. Never in my life have I been so comforted by the unknown, by the freedom that not knowing gives.

I think that was the problem, from the beginning. You had an obsession with knowing, and I just fed it. We both should have been more obsessed with doing. I've grown weary of talking. Endlessly talking in a pursuit of things that can only be learned by doing through time. They call them life lessons for a reason. You have to live them. And I'm going to. Without you.

See, now that you're gone for good there is more room in my life for truth. For real love. For smiles. For adventures. For beauty. For good. For peace. Now that you're gone for good, I remain. Stronger. Better. More beautiful. I understand far more than I did when we were children.

I wish you well. I hope you're happy. I hope you do everything you thought you would and more. And I will never think of you again, now that you're gone... for good.