For my own entertainment, we'll call him Bruce. Bruce is one of my dearest friends. I just freaking love the kid and have since we met and became friends in the fall of '09. He and I would sit on my dorm room porch like thingy and smoke cloves and talk theology. Through the past three years, though our love for one another has never wavered, our levels of contact have. Truth be told we've barely spoken in the last year. But suddenly the Holy Spirit put him on my heart and I on his and we started talking again and like it was nothing we were besties once more.
He has been such an incredible gift to me, even in the few weeks since we've reconnected. That kid, more than any other guy in my life pretty much ever, makes me feel so loved. He listens without judgement and encourages without tiring. He's the kind of guy every mother on this earth prays that her daughter marries. Well, Christian mommas. He loves Jesus first and foremost and let me tell you, in this city and surrounding area, that my friends is a gem. He also happens to be funny, affectionate, and covered with some super legit tattoos.
And then...curve ball. So I get a text from him at 10:45pm tonight, explaining why he was in a funk last night and I didn't hear from him all day. Because he was drained. Because he was pouring so much into me and another friend that he had completely exhausted himself. Because as much as I hate it, I do not pour into him like he pours into me. Don't get me wrong. I want to. I try to. I try to pour out affection and encouragement and wisdom like he does for me but its not the same. I'm still a drain on him.
He didn't tell me this out of malice, or wanting me to change. Quite the opposite actually. He told me this because I needed to accept it. Because I needed to embrace it. Because it wasn't a bad thing, it was an ordained thing. This is how its supposed to be between us, for now at least. And he has no idea why, only that it is.
And that, friends, is a tough pill for me to swallow. I know he's right. I can feel it in my heart. I know, equally, that I'm not a huge fan of it. I don't like to be a drain. I like to be equals with my friends, to give as much as I take. And with him, right now, I can't. But I know why, even if he doesn't. I have to accept that his love for me will not change although I cannot give as much as I receive. I have to accept that what I can give is still wanted. I have to accept the fact that right now I am incredibly needy for what he has to give. I have to accept that he is willing to give it, freely, without any expectation of ever being repaid. And I did. I did accept it. But in a fear factor esque sort of way. I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth, took a deep breath and went for it even though it was clear I'd much rather be doing something, anything else.
Oh but friends, I mistakenly thought God had only the above things for me to accept. Silly me. He is nothing if not a brilliant multi-tasker. He had one more thing for me. I asked Bruce, who I have always referred to as my little brother (as I'm 2 years older), jokingly, "When did my little brother start schooling me in this stuff?"
"Yea, it's just weird watching me say it."
I squinted at my phone's screen and typed, "...explain?"
"I dunno, I don't understand what's going on." He said, and then quickly said goodnight.
I swear I stared at my phone for a good two minutes. I swear God was smirking at me, very smug. I could almost hear Him. "See, Valerie? When a heart is open to me, it does not need to understand in order to obey." And I sighed, dropping the fear factor esque acceptance, and bowed my head and accepted His terms genuinely. Bruce had no idea what God was telling me through him. And yet I still got the message, loud and clear. Touche, God. Touche.
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