So, as you can guess, today's topic is about money. For the vast majority of my life, I didn't think about it. I never had to. My mom made sure of that. I had everything I needed, and frankly, most everything I wanted. Because my mom taught me well to be content with what I had. We've never been on government aid, and I've never felt as if I had less than. But to my knowledge, we've never had an annual income above the poverty line either. God has always provided. He has taught me a lot about stress, and how not to do it, at least not with finances, because He has always provided.
But I feel as if I had a holy discontent placed in me one day about it. Let me explain. There are things that I want that money could provide. A bigger apartment. A new desk for my job. A whole wall of bookshelves for my books. A new TV. A new bed frame. A new beside table. One of those portable heater things that you plug in. Ooh and a filing cabinet. But I have no doubt that in time, I'll get all of those things with patience, and as I save for them. It doesn't bother me that I can't afford them right now. What does bother me is that my tithing sucks, and that I can't give away more than a bare minimum. That bothers the crap out of me. Because there are so many people, even in my community, that need money far more than I do and I want to give it to them and cannot.
I've never desired much so far as money goes. I have three desires when it comes to cash. 1) Have enough to support my mother completely, so she works because she wants to, not because she needs to. I feel as if it is my duty and honor as a daughter to take care of the woman who took care of me for so long. 2) Have enough to provide for my own family, preferably not living month by month. 3) Have enough money to give the excess away.
And lately, that has been my prayer when it came to money, simply that I have enough to give away. And God answers prayer, He will provide, in ever increasing ways, for me and for my mother. And with that comes a sense of trepidation in my heart. Wealth, in my opinion, is something to be treated with utmost care. I see it sort of like a nuclear power plant. It needs to be handled with extreme caution, but it can be an amazing source of financial 'energy' if handled correctly. If it's not, it can lead to a complete meltdown of your life.
Let this always be as clear in my life as it is to me now. The gifts of God are the best life has to offer, and they are completely free. Love is free. Security in God is free. Salvation is free. Faith is free. Joy is free. Because they are gifts. We pay nothing for them. They had a terrible cost, but we didn't pay it. He did. But the cost had not a single thing to do with money. And the best part? None of them can be enhanced in any way by money. Love, true love, couldn't care less about money. Security in God laughs at those who find security in wealth. Salvation weeps for those who think they can buy it. Faith is indiscriminate between the rich and the poor. Joy has yet to be found in wealth.
Just the other day, this truth struck home in a very big way. I was sitting on my love seat, my hands wrapped around a warm cup of tea, watching the snow fall, eating a delicious breakfast that I had made, looking at the Christmas lights I refuse to take down sparkle in and play off the fake, plastic (but beautiful) icicles I hung from them, and realized with a sense of awe that goes completely against everything this culture teaches us, that no amount of money or things would make this moment any better. This moment was just another free gift from my Father. I will filled with such joy at the simple beauty of what was before my eyes.
I never want to lose that sense of awe at the little things. I never want to have more than enough. I never want to think that because I have money, I am somehow less dependent upon God's gifts. I never want to lose my love of simplicity. I never want to clutter my heart with desires for things. I want to always have one desire: God. To quote Piper, "The great danger of riches is that our affections will be carried away from God to His gifts." That genuinely frightens me. I know I am no better than anyone else, that my heart is just as susceptible to the snares and dangers of riches as anyone's are. The Bible is really very clear on this. It gives warning after warning about the dangers of wealth to the heart, to the spiritual life. Deuteronomy 8:17-18 "Beware lest you say in your heart, "My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth." You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth," And 1 Timothy 6:9 "Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction." But I'm not going to let fear stop my desire to have more to give away either. And I know that in order to give away, I need God to give to me first. So my prayer to have enough to give away will continue.
I guess I just wanted to write about this for my own clarity tonight. Though I find my heart called more and more to pray for money so that I can give it away, I also realize that a bigger apartment to accommodate my job needs isn't a sin either, and that I'll soon have the money for that. But though I am comfortable, I never want to lose sight of how much I am given on a daily basis. Though my income may increase, I pray that my sensitivity to the needs of those around me increase as well. Let me always want to keep my apartment a few degrees colder so that I can give the money I save with a lower heating bill toward those who struggle to pay their heating bill. Let me always want to coupon to save money on groceries so I can give to those who struggle to buy healthy food for their family. Let me always stop to look at the snow and the sparkly lights because all that glitters is not gold, for those things that sparkle and glitter and shine the brightest are the free gifts of a Good and Loving God. Let me never forget that above all things.
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