My tank is on E. I'm writing this on fumes. I'm at the tears level of exhaustion. It's not my job. I love my job. I find my job fulfilling. I love being busy. It makes me feel useful. And I was on a roll today with work. Today, giant steps forward were taken in very exciting directions. But as six o'clock rolled around, my body just gave out. But my body's exhaustion is caused by my emotional exhaustion, not by my job.
And it's not that I haven't been filling my tank. That's not it at all. In fact, for the last week, every night, and most days I have been pumping severe amounts of gas into my tank. We're talking massive, ginormous amounts of fuel. It's important that you understand this. In the past two weeks I've pumped as much fuel into my system as I had in the previous 9 months.
Then the question becomes, then why on God's green earth am I empty? I should be hemorrhaging fuel, not sucking fumes. The only way I know how to explain it is this: for the past nine months I've been an emotional vespa. I'm fairly sure I could drive to Florida and back on like one tank of gas on one of those things. Okay, so maybe not, but you get the idea.
(One tank of gas = chasing the sunset for the next two years)
But here is the thing about Vespas. Unless the road you're traveling down is paved as smooth as glass, you're not going anywhere. Vespa's can't handle pot holes, let alone off roading. They're not exactly speed demons either. And right around New Years, God put a desire for more into my heart. It was time to put the Vespa away. He tossed me a set of keys, and gave me an unlimited gas card. (In case I'm losing you in the analogy, because I'm losing myself occassionally, God wanted me to be making more progress. There were walls that He wanted torn down and my Vespa wasn't going to do it. He also knew that it would be taking a lot more gas. So He gave me a passion for the Bible again, threw a couple of Piper's books at me, and hooked me up Francis J. Roberts again.) I was thinking like a Range Rover or something. Nope. As always, He thinks bigger than me.
(It eats Vespas for breakfast.)
It also runs on nothing less than its own personal oil well. It drinks Texas tea for breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dunch, dinner, and a bedtime snack. But, on the bright side, it can also go anywhere you want it to. "Mountains, you say? Ha! No. Not when I'm done with it." That's it's license plate.
So, hopefully I haven't completely confused you, and you get what I'm saying here. I'm giving it all that I've got to keep this thing going. And to be honest, I'm not entire sure what this thing is. I know it takes a lot to move things from head knowledge to heart knowledge. I know that not every part of me is really happy about the fact that I voluntarily, and happily, put down my XBox controller last night for my bible and stayed up late reading it. I know there is some weird struggle going on about all of the changes I've been making in my life. Because it's not as easy. Coasting was pretty easy. This... this takes a hell of a lot more effort. And as my close friends know, there has been a lot of back and forth over certain lines, and I couldn't tell you why every little thing has been such an incredibly struggle, but it has.
Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the outcomes. Every inch of this new life is worth every amount of struggle. Joy like I've never known it. Peace. Comfort. Love. Passion. Desire. Forgiveness. Being freed from guilt is the most amazing thing in the world. But it is undeniably exhausting. So...I'm gonna go fill up and try and get some sleep.
Elevensies? ;-)
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