Day Fifty Three - Hard To Say Okay

Things I learned/relearned today:
1) Do not try and attack someone who is a skilled fighter. They are not all as nice as Sammy and Titus used to be (you know who you are, and yes it needed to be in the blog too).
2) Sometimes, I need to just shush and let other people pick the movies.
3) It's really hard to say, "Okay, God," when He answers the cry of your heart with, "Not now, little one."

We're gonna talk about #3. As some of you may know, for the past few days my heart has been longing. Hoping. Begging. Tonight, I'm writing this blog so late because I spent the last three hours in a church parking lot praying. And God answered my prayer. "Not tonight, little one." I understand, the timing is in His hands, and He's never been less than perfect with it before, but I still hoped the time was now. It's not. And my heart needs to be okay with that.

It's hard to even write this; all I want to do is curl up in bed and wake up tomorrow and throw myself into work and not think about it anymore. But part of being in the Rabbit Hole is accepting things that hurt, because you trust the One who guides your life. Especially when it hurts. And I do, I do trust Him. I trust His timing. I trust His will over my own. I want His will over my own. And that's the real struggle, to give up this will of mine, and be glad in His. If it His will that the time is not now, then it is my will as well and in that I can rejoice, for our wills are now united. But there is a struggle in that. And there always will be, because I'm human.

The struggle, however, is more than worth it. Because all of my hope is in God; He fulfills every need, every desire. I will not be left empty, nor wanting. And so tonight, as I read my Bible, I know I'll find the fulfillment I need to sleep well and go to bed with joy that God's will is being done in my life. For there is an endless well of contentment in that fact alone.

Update after Bible reading: I'm sure this will be it's own blog, or multiple blogs in the future, but one thing I've learned over the years is that God never does anything without a purpose. Ever. His "Not now," has a purpose, and someday I will be called to be a witness to His timing and His plan, and my witness will be of it's glorious perfection. So even now, when I do not understand, I can still obey, and be a witness. For He has never failed me, He satisfies my deepest needs. It is my witness that my God is the God who provides.

And after reading tonight, I was reminded of the horrible consequences of impatience. So my heart will not be troubled, but will wait in contentment. It is no longer difficult tonight, to accept His plan. To think that my plan would be better than His is nothing less than complete and total absurdity.