I left work yesterday. I could have worked for three and a half hours but didn't. I was exhausted, and my boss said it had been slow and I could leave if I wanted to. I did, and spent some good time with my lovely friend Miss Erica. We went out to eat, and just got to spend some time together. It was a very, very good night. And I spent most of it wracked in guilt. My boss genuinely didn't mind that I left. In fact, I think she was relieved. Paying employees when they're not needed cannot be easy on her budget. And she always guarantees that if you want the hours, you can have them. And yet, I was wracked with guilt that I had left.
I had prayed, on the way from one job to another, that I would be able to leave to spend some time with my friend. I had prayed that I could share some of the blessings He had given me with my friend. And I got to. And I was still wracked with guilt. All night I was tossing and turning thinking, "Why would answered prayer feel this way?"
Not until today, in the wake of another massive blessing and answered prayer did I realize... the problem wasn't that I hadn't heard right, or that I did anything wrong. God was very happy to answer my prayer and give me the time I had wanted. The problem was me putting what society has said is important above what God has said is important. Society says work > relationships. God disagrees. God says "Be a good employee, but work first for Me and for what I want. And I want you to put time into relationships that are grounded in me and build you and others and glorify Me. I want you to not worry about money, because I will provide." Instead of focusing on building that relationship, I was so guilty about not being at work, about not making a whole 25 dollars, that I was nothing but an exhausted wet blanket.
And today, today I was going to go into work to get some things done before next week, but decided against it. Not because it's not a good idea, it is. But because I'm exhausted, and know that putting in the extra time next week, after a weekend off, will be much more effective. I need some time off. I want to just hide away tomorrow, but know that spending some time with my HLM will actually put some energy back in my tank. And I refuse to feel guilty for taking care of myself. I just... won't. Because taking care of myself is a good and healthy thing. It is something that I am not only allowed to do, but encouraged to do with my time off.
Because it is my time off. And it's a struggle for me to not put work first, but to put God first. It's a struggle to turn off that ingrained desire to please my bosses rather than my God. But I know that there is joy in doing so, and that in time God will retrain my heart to delight in Him. My job is a blessing, but it is not my God. God is my God.
How is it that I forget that we have to struggle against this world? That we have to cast it off, for we are not children of this world. How do I forget that putting God first will always cause strife with this world? And God is good enough to not give me that struggle right now. I am in no strife with any of my bosses. I am only at strife with myself, with changing my own values system. My relationship with God cannot be ruled by feelings, but by His guidance and what I know to be true. And I will not waste my blessings by feeling guilt.
So I struggle.
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