Preface: Thanks for reading. Most of you have been with me since the beginning, and that's kind of mind blowing that you care so much. I've actually been so moved by the fact that my pageviews stay so high that I'm promising to put more thought into these to make them more worth the reading. I also decided to start using numbers so you can actually see the title of the post.
Speaking of the post... I've written a number of blogs about prayer, usually me trying to figure out why God seems to love saying 'no' to me all the time. This particular blog about prayer... well it's not one of those, that's to be sure.
Yesterday, while running to Starbucks to get myself and my boss some delicious tea, and consequently waiting in a massive line, I opened up my Kindle to read part of book called Waiting On God. It's pretty short, and also pretty awesome. I'm halfway through it now, and know that while the perspectives of the various authors are different, they are all very much speaking truth. Anyway. What I was reading was convicting me so much it hurt. But it also gave me a sudden clarity.
I had a choice. I could ignore the conviction and keep telling myself I was doing the best I could and keep being able to justify my deviations or I could repent, cut the things I was being convicted about from my life, and choose Christ with as much zeal as He chose me.
Thankfully, God gave me the strength to choose Him. I'm not going to lie. It was not easy. I was trying to get out of it for a few hours, actually. "But God," I said, "I can't just tell Anthem that I don't want to be with him. After all he's been through? To hurt him like that?"
Thankfully, God wasn't taking any of my bullshit that day. "You do what I tell you to do, I'll take care of the rest." He said.
Well. There went that excuse.
"But God," I said, "What if... he changes?" God didn't even give this one a response. He just gave me a sarcastic silence that I interpreted as, "If the only thing you're holding onto is the possibility of change, you're gonna want to let that go."
"But God," I said, "I'm afraid. What if no one else will ever want me?"
"Which do you choose," He asked, "Me or fear?"
He's really good, my God. I took a deep breath, braced myself for the mess I was about to create. I wasn't going to lie and make it easier to get out of. I was going to be honest, no matter how ridiculous I sounded. I was going to do what I felt convicted of, my pride be damned. If he didn't think well of me after... well chances are he shouldn't, then.
Miracle #1: There was no mess. No accusations. No drama. No yelling or crying. Just a 'Well, I disagree with you, but if this is what you want, okay'. When God says "I'll take care of the rest." He really means it. All I had to do was stand up and do what He'd asked of me, and the rest of it fell on His shoulders.
After that, I went into my room, closed the door, and started confession. It was not a short, nor easy process. It hurt. I had been turning a blind eye to so many little things, that they had built up into something quite large. Over and over and over again in my daily choices I had told God, and the world, that my comfort and ease were more important to me than my God. Over and over again I had rejected His call to holiness because I didn't want to look foolish, or be held accountable for my mistakes. Over and over I had ignored His calls to wisdom and purity. I was ashamed. No wonder He hadn't been answering my prayers. I had so many idols in my life I'm amazed I wasn't struck with lightening. I went to bed praying for forgiveness, and asking for two things that I knew He wanted for me rather than things I wanted for me. I didn't even pray for His help in waking up earlier, I'd sort of given that up as a lost cause. I only wanted the two things.
Miracle #2: I got up early. Alarm went off at 7, and instead of snoozing my way to 8, I got up. I made food. I drank tea. It was awesome. I want to do this every day.
Miracle #3: One of my prayer requests involved getting an answer by the end of today because if I didn't get an answer soon, I'd probably put it off... again. And within a few hours, I knew exactly what to do. No voice from heaven, just an idea in my heart that would have never occured to me, along with the opportunity to fulfill it.
After months... maybe years of feeling like although I'd 'heard' God a lot (to everyone involved in that particular bout of insantiy, I'm so, so sorry) but had never really seen Him move for me, I get 3 miracles in 2 days. If that isn't a giant "YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT PATH" then I don't know what is.
Thanks God. I appreciate You being very obvious. It really helps.
In conclusion: If God tells you to do something, He'll help. If He doesn't, He didn't tell you to. Took me 3 years to figure that out. Learn from me, don't waste 3 years chasing shadows.
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