Tonight was the "Annual Christmas Formal and Sacrifice" which is my friend Tyler's way of hosting a winter formal. It's spectacular. All the girls are in dresses; all the men are in suits. It is an undeniably good time. I decided, after all of my good behavior, I deserved a night off. I had a few drinks (which I had given up) and a few cigarettes (which I had also given up). And I had a blast. I chatted with people on the smoke breaks, I had a little social lubricant, and the night was fantastic. I laughed, great pictures were taken, I danced, I socialized. Much fun was had.
And yet, I have never been so convicted to never do any of it again. Let me re-emphasize, there were no negative consequences. I didn't get too drunk, just happily buzzed at my peak. I have no regrets at the end of the night. But I have never been more convinced that I am both a non-drinker and a non-smoker. I chose two and a half months ago to stop doing both, for personal reasons. I talked myself into letting loose tonight and doing both. And I never want to do either again. I can't tell you why. I'm not sure myself. But there is a certainty in my soul that knows that I have given that life up for a reason, and I don't want it back. I waded my feet into a pool I used to swim in, and all I want to do is take a shower and stay on dry land forever, preferably curled up with a good book.
Speaking of which, I started reading a book today, while trying to waste time waiting for the blessed time of the party to arrive. It was RC Sproul's The Holiness of God. The first few pages, though I knew they should be moving me, weren't. I set the book aside, when the proper time came, and did my make-up and hair. And now, now after my night of pleasureful socialization, feel his words with a thunder to my heart. There is so much more than this.
Yes, it was fun. Yes, I enjoyed myself. Yes, I got to see and talk to people I do not see and talk to enough, Lindie and Molly, I'm looking at you. But there is so much more than this. And that, that more is what I truly want. That more is what Sparkly Marshmallows are all about. That more is what I have dedicated my life to come to know.
No more shallow waters for me. Of course, I will still struggle. Tomorrow I might crochet an entire scarf to keep myself from smoking once again (though I doubt it since my mouth tastes like hell and I have literally no desire to even look a cigarette). I will still have days where ignoring my responsibilities to play Pokemon will be my agenda for the day. But if anything, this night has reaffirmed my choice to be a hermit. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I try not to participate in drama. And I read, a whole lot, while staying at home (as my work is computer based) and cook for me and my lovely mother. This is the life I have chosen. And this wonderful night, for reasons beyond my comprehension, reminded me why.
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