I love every other Sunday. Every other Sunday is a dinner party that is thrown by some of my all time favorite guys. Tonight was my night to cook. I had to borrow Adam's house since my apartment can hardly fit two people, let alone six. He graciously loaned me his kitchen, and I made him dinner. I love that he considers that a fair trade. The six of us chatted at the table, and I hope my face conveyed how much pleasure I get out of cooking a meal and being surrounded by my friends. I get happy, a sort of still inner happiness, as the banter goes on around me. These are my friends, and I love them.
These are also the 'sailors' that I learned to keep up with at the bar. After dinner, we all decided to stick around and watch a movie. Believe it or not, the sailors chose Breaking Dawn, Part One. The movie was hardly watched, except as it seemed to fuel a malevolent fire. I understand that my friends, my sailors, are divorcees and have had some nasty breakups with some nasty people. But the stories flowing around me felt like knives. I winced each time a new one started. I winced at the hard laughter that followed. There was no glitter here, no marshmallow either. There was dark, and there was hard, and there was cold.
I didn't join in. It hurt me to just listen. I scooted away from the group, determined to just watch the movie and shut them out. Even Breaking Dawn wasn't as painful as the ice in their voices. I kept looking at my favorite Sparkly Marshmallow, wondering why he was acting like this, but for some reason, he wasn't there tonight. Someone gritty and cynical was instead. I tried not to take it personally. We all have bad days. We can't be sparkly all the time, or even soft all the time. But to sit and listen to them criticize and mock the values that I hold dear... well it certainly didn't make me any softer. It just made me sad, truth be told. Sailors' mouths though they may have, they are genuine, wonderful people. I understand that life, and other people, can be cruel and can devastate the things we work so hard to build.
But no sailor is going to take my hope from me, or infect me with their cynicism. If I didn't believe in looking beyond appearances, I wouldn't have discovered how amazing they are once you get past the sailor mouth. And truth be told, it's bullshit coming out of their mouth. Bullshit I don't think they really believe. Because if they did, they wouldn't have given me the time of day either. There is hope in this world, there is love. Real love. Not that codependent crap that Twilight tries to sell as love, but the stuff that makes old couples hold hands and giggle like teenagers. Relationships, Marriage, Honesty, Innocence, Integrity, Loyalty, Fidelity, Love, they all matter. They all do still have worth. They are still things I believe in and will honor.
So my dear Sailors: I'm sorry you got your heart broken. I'm sorry they lied to you, and hurt you. But just because they did, doesn't make the marriage vows I hope to one day take meaningless. I will mean them. I have faith that my marriage will be the second best thing to ever happen to me, not the first thing in a long list of regrets. It doesn't mean I'll get a divorce, or marry a jerk. In fact, it has nothing to do with me, or who I will choose to marry. So if its okay with you, I'm going to keep believing that some things are sacred. That some vows are never broken, that some loves are true, that some people are honest, and that maybe, just maybe, there is hope in the world yet.
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