I raise my invisibly glass of something delicious to that guy. He's a poet. Coping is the perfect word. See, almost everyone I know is sort of a pessimist. Realists at the very least. And firm believers in Murphy's Law. We're sort of used to getting the shit kicked out of us by life. We're sort of used to things, and people, not being what they seemed. Just scraping by is a win for us. We've just sort of come to expect the worst because then it just won't hurt as much.
Let me tell you, Murphy leaves you completely unprepared for when everything goes right. I'm at a total loss. I have the absolute best, sweetest, most generous, caring, devoted, passionate, faithful (both senses of the word) man I could have ever dreamed of and I have to rethink everything. My habits of expecting the worst are not only rude at this point, but destructive. For example: my habit of being afraid of rejection is now absurd and unnecessary and yet I still act on that fear, not because I'm afraid anymore, but because I'm so used to being afraid its a habit. It's destructive because Anthem has never once rejected me in any way, and for me to act as if he has hurts him.
And so I cope. I have to consciously think, all the time, about what I'm saying and doing, or actually why I'm saying and doing anything. Because that's not my life anymore. Fear and disappointment are no longer the themes of my life. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm cherished. I'm pursued in more ways than I ever dreamed. I'm gleefully happy. My old standards just don't cut it anymore, and I'm having to negotiate the happier side of life. And it does feel like coping.
It is coping. I'm having to relearn how to live my life without fear or baggage, and with freedom and curiosity. I'm having to relearn how to not do everything by myself and enjoy having a partner by my side. I'm relearning how I live my life, how I think about my future, how I communicate. And it's not always easy. Old habits die hard. But die they must, because I'm never going back.
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