I have a friend. We'll call him Buddy. Buddy has a problem with the word yes, in the same way other people have a problem with the word no. Buddy struggles to say yes. Its always easier to say no. Buddy struggles to find himself, and what he wants in life, because every time change comes knocking at his door, he has a hundred reasons to say no.
But every once in a while, Buddy says yes. Like today. Today, Buddy said yes. I asked him to go on a special trip with me. Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my dad's death. And I miss my dad more than I could possibly express. And Buddy's mom died when he was young, so he's sort of the one person in my life that really gets it. He said yes to my request to come to the graveyard with me. But he was glad he did, as was I. We got to have one of our moments together. When we just sit and understand each other perfectly in that moment.
And while I was there, it made me think of what I will say yes to in the future. About a year ago, the idea of martyrdom entered my mind. For months it merely stewed. I've read the stories. They're gruesome and painful. But glorious in their own way. As a sheltered little girl from Iowa, I couldn't understand the growing desire in my heart for that sort of ending. Surely I couldn't comprehend the sacrifice behind it. Surely I couldn't understand all that I'd be giving up. Surely I couldn't understand the life, nor death, of a martyr. And still the desire grew. Its grows even now.
The desire in my heart is for martyrdom. It has become my earnest prayer. I long for it. That is what I want out of my life. I desire to die a martyr. And once I acknowledged that, it all started to make much more sense. Perhaps I cannot yet understand all that I will give up, but I know that the gain is worth it. And that is all that matters.
God wants us to say yes to Him each day, in a thousand small ways. He doesn't always speak through a burning bush. He often speaks as a gentle whisper. But He always asks that we say Yes to whatever He asks us to do. Some very big, life changing 'yes's'. Most small steps, small decisions, that inch us closer to Him. But even if my life is comprised of only small steps, one of those yes's will indeed lead me to a graveyard.
And though it may seem morbid, I assure you it is not, but that thought fills me with joy. Not that I long to die, quite the opposite, I long to fill however long my life may be with as much life as possible. There is so much I want to do. So many people to love, so many stories to tell, so much more that I want to do than I could ever fit into one, or a hundred, lifetimes. But to die for the name of my God is to me a more beautiful thought than to live to see a million sunrises. Saying 'yes' to God will take you a hundred different places, ninety-nine of which I bet you'd never thought you'd see. But each and every one of them will be worth whatever sacrifice is asked. Even if it is a graveyard.
No comments:
Post a Comment