This is just... me. Tonight. I don't have any plan for what is going to come out, I just wanted to talk about whats on my heart. I'm not looking for feedback, I'm not venting, I'm just getting some stuff off my chest.
I am breathtakingly, heartbreakingly beautiful. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror tonight and just stopped. Was that me? Surely there was a girl behind me (which would have been incredibly freaky due to the fact that I was in an incredibly small bathroom, but I digress) because I'm not that beautiful. But (thankfully) it was me. Just me. No make up. Rag rolled, green tipped hair pulled back into a pony tail. White shirt, green cardigan, jeans. Nothing special. And yet, I was lovely. I was incredibly lovely. I was really something to look at. And so I did, for a moment. I just stopped and looked. Thick, Czech eyebrows. A nose that I wish wasn't as bulbous as it is, but small enough to remain cute (and incredibly red due to the amount of tissue I've used for the past 3 days). Pink lips. Pink cheeks. Clear skin. Blue eyes with a ring of gold in the very center. Brown glasses. Long neck. Shapely clavicles. Small chest, thin waist. Proportional. 5'5. Me. And I slowly exhaled. That was me. And I am lovely.
But that's just what's on the surface. Beneath is a heart that has been through... a lot. I've mourned the death of my dearly beloved (if not severely misunderstood) father. I've witnessed my cousin getting beaten by a once beloved uncle. I've pulled many a knife out of my back, some of which left deep scars on my heart. When I was 15 I discovered true love (the first day I held my first nephew) and knew that even though the only thing he could do for me was breathe, I would give my life for him in an instant. (Same holds true now even though sometimes he's a very uppity 8 year old.) I've rebuilt a relationship with my only brother that was so broken I used to cry myself to sleep because I thought he wanted a more beautiful sister, one that he could be proud of. I've adopted many, many more brothers since. (I'm looking at you, Bruce. And you, Marcus. And you, Titus. And you, Jason.) I've recovered from being a cutter. I've rediscovered my faith, and worked for it. I've somehow (through grace alone) remained a virgin. I've survived a number of panic attacks, a number of "should have been fatal" car accidents, and the Air Force super flu. I've come back (literally) from the dead. I survived the loss of the best friend I ever had in this world. And I have fought, I have raged, I have pushed through every single one of those to get to where I am now. And damn it all, it has made me lovely.
Look at me, world. Look at me and see that there is beauty from pain. Two years ago, I was so deeply depressed I graduated college because my professors took pity on me and passed me despite the fact that I came to maybe one in three classes. I still owe them for that. Two years ago I couldn't stand to look in a mirror because I was so ashamed of the person looking back at me. Two years ago, I would start my Saturday mornings with a mug full of vodka because I needed it to get through the day. Two years ago, I cried myself to sleep most nights. Two years ago I was so angry most people couldn't stand to be around me because I radiated pain. Look now. LOOK at what I have made. LOOK at what I have done.
Today, I am lovely. Today, I spend my days surrounded by good friends. Because I am loyal. No matter what happens I am on your side. No matter what you do I will support you. No matter how you change I will love you. I know who you are, and I trust you. If you ask me to, I will trust you blindly and without question. We will never owe each other, and I will do for you whatever you ask, and be thankful whenever you do the same for me. I will defend you to anyone. I will be your alibi if you ever get caught. I will help you bury the body and try not to ask questions. I will vouch for you when you list me as a reference. I will share the mundane with you; I will answer your phone call at 4am. I will always call you back. No matter where I move, or how close we are, I will never forget you. I am strong. You can cry to me, you can lean on me. I will listen, and will carry as much of your burden as you give to me. I will not let you go. I am fun. No, really. I am a blast to be around. I can take a Tuesday and make it extraordinary. I can take a cold boring night and make you kiss the stars, or make you laugh so hard you snort. I can calm you. That one, I don't fully understand, but I am a calming person. I am genuine. I don't lie or hide who I am; what you see is what you get, and I don't want you to lie about who you are. I want you to be you, so that I can love you for who you are. I am real. I cry, I sing (badly), I hurt, I rejoice. I have deep feelings, and emotions, and am not afraid to express them. I giggle at things other people find mundane. I rejoice in the little things. I bring sparkle to people's lives. I bring a life with me that I cannot take credit for, it is the Spirit within me.
And to you... and you know who you are if you ever read this... I fought for us. For years. Because we were worth fighting for. God healed me of my anger, and filled me with forgiveness. I forgive you for everything you did, and hope to God you forgave me too. I never let you go, I hid you deep in my heart, to a place that despair could not reach. I told everyone you were the greatest man I've ever known, and you went and proved me right. Like I always knew you would. I will never regret us, not one moment of us, not for one moment of my life. I wouldn't take it back for the world, I would never change one damned thing. Because having you, and losing you, were the best things that ever happened to me. If we had never met, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. And if we had never parted, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I wish, oh how I pray, that you could see me now. Because I am so much more than I was. I am everything you'd ever need, and everything you'd want. And just because you don't want it, doesn't make it not true.
I am lovely. I am strong. I am full. I am domestic goddess. I am creative. I am a sparkly marshmallow. I am sweet. I am sassy. I am sarcastic. I am funny. I am real. I am genuine. I am true. I am growing. I am learning. I am seeking. I am loyal. I am loving. I am deep. I am brilliant. I am talented. I am loved. I am desirable, and desired. I am exactly who I was made to be, and nothing you can ever say, do, or not do, will ever change that. I am lovely. Whether or not you ever get a chance to realize it.
And I guess, perhaps, that's what changed today. Deep in my heart you may always be, I have ceased striving to remove you because God knows that is a fruitless endeavor. But what I can control is that how you (may or may not because honestly, I have no idea what you think) see me is not how I will see me. I will see the truth of who I am, and take pride in what I have spent years making (to God be the glory and the credit) and continue on, with or without you. And I'm not going to wait for you, not a moment longer. There is just too much to do. I want to be a missionary, I want to change the world, I want to write books that change people, I want to die a martyr's death, I want to live each and every moment of this life to it's fullest. I want to create heaven on earth, at least in my own, by spending every second praising the Name Above All Names. I so longed (and truth be told still long) for you to join me in these. I long for you to see me now, I long for you to see who I have become, I long for you to tell me that I'm beautiful, that I am lovely in your sight. But with or without you telling me that, I know in my heart that I am lovely in His sight, and that's honestly, truly, really all that matters to me.
I have made Him proud, and that is now the singular goal in my life. I will still screw up, I will make mistakes, I will fall down, I will get dirty. I will run away, I will hide, I will believe lies, and I will stumble. Over and over and over again. But you know, you've managed, even in your absence, to help God teach me so many things. That when I run, He chases me down. When I get tired of running, He sits with me, and holds my hand. When I fall down, He lays down with me. I will never forget what He said to me, as I was laying down, exhausted, broken, and filthy. He said to me, "I would rather lay here with you, in the mud, in the dirt, than be away from you for a single moment." I've learned that the faster I run, and the more I close my eyes, and put my hands over my ears, the louder I hear Him speak, and the closer I am to coming home. I've learned that when He breaks me into a million pieces, it is not the end, but only the beginning of something wonderful. I have learned that the deeper my pain, the deeper my ability to be filled with joy. I have learned that my heart can love far past its own ability; that I can love in a way the world knows not. I can love beyond the grave, I can love beyond any human expectation. I have learned that both skin deep, and past my heart, into my very soul, that I am lovely.
Thank you. For everything. Losing you was the worst pain I have ever felt (sorry dad, but its true) and it is the thing I am most grateful for, for it was done by the loving hand of my Heavenly Father, whose will I now earnestly seek above my own, and it has made me into more than I ever dreamed I could be. I still, earnestly, with the depth of my heart, beg for your return. I want to see your face, just one more time, and tell you that I love you, and that I forgive you, and beg for your forgiveness. I long for your return back into my life to stay forever. But whatever His will, that is my will also. So even if I never see you again, my joy is complete. My life is complete. I am complete.
I said, earlier today, that whatever happened, it is well with my soul. And today certainly yielded me no hope. And yet, by the grace of God, it is well with my soul. I am at peace. I give you into His hands, and cease my striving. Blessed be our God, the sovereign of all things. I am at peace.
And to you... and you know who you are if you ever read this... I fought for us. For years. Because we were worth fighting for. God healed me of my anger, and filled me with forgiveness. I forgive you for everything you did, and hope to God you forgave me too. I never let you go, I hid you deep in my heart, to a place that despair could not reach. I told everyone you were the greatest man I've ever known, and you went and proved me right. Like I always knew you would. I will never regret us, not one moment of us, not for one moment of my life. I wouldn't take it back for the world, I would never change one damned thing. Because having you, and losing you, were the best things that ever happened to me. If we had never met, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. And if we had never parted, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I wish, oh how I pray, that you could see me now. Because I am so much more than I was. I am everything you'd ever need, and everything you'd want. And just because you don't want it, doesn't make it not true.
I am lovely. I am strong. I am full. I am domestic goddess. I am creative. I am a sparkly marshmallow. I am sweet. I am sassy. I am sarcastic. I am funny. I am real. I am genuine. I am true. I am growing. I am learning. I am seeking. I am loyal. I am loving. I am deep. I am brilliant. I am talented. I am loved. I am desirable, and desired. I am exactly who I was made to be, and nothing you can ever say, do, or not do, will ever change that. I am lovely. Whether or not you ever get a chance to realize it.
And I guess, perhaps, that's what changed today. Deep in my heart you may always be, I have ceased striving to remove you because God knows that is a fruitless endeavor. But what I can control is that how you (may or may not because honestly, I have no idea what you think) see me is not how I will see me. I will see the truth of who I am, and take pride in what I have spent years making (to God be the glory and the credit) and continue on, with or without you. And I'm not going to wait for you, not a moment longer. There is just too much to do. I want to be a missionary, I want to change the world, I want to write books that change people, I want to die a martyr's death, I want to live each and every moment of this life to it's fullest. I want to create heaven on earth, at least in my own, by spending every second praising the Name Above All Names. I so longed (and truth be told still long) for you to join me in these. I long for you to see me now, I long for you to see who I have become, I long for you to tell me that I'm beautiful, that I am lovely in your sight. But with or without you telling me that, I know in my heart that I am lovely in His sight, and that's honestly, truly, really all that matters to me.
I have made Him proud, and that is now the singular goal in my life. I will still screw up, I will make mistakes, I will fall down, I will get dirty. I will run away, I will hide, I will believe lies, and I will stumble. Over and over and over again. But you know, you've managed, even in your absence, to help God teach me so many things. That when I run, He chases me down. When I get tired of running, He sits with me, and holds my hand. When I fall down, He lays down with me. I will never forget what He said to me, as I was laying down, exhausted, broken, and filthy. He said to me, "I would rather lay here with you, in the mud, in the dirt, than be away from you for a single moment." I've learned that the faster I run, and the more I close my eyes, and put my hands over my ears, the louder I hear Him speak, and the closer I am to coming home. I've learned that when He breaks me into a million pieces, it is not the end, but only the beginning of something wonderful. I have learned that the deeper my pain, the deeper my ability to be filled with joy. I have learned that my heart can love far past its own ability; that I can love in a way the world knows not. I can love beyond the grave, I can love beyond any human expectation. I have learned that both skin deep, and past my heart, into my very soul, that I am lovely.
Thank you. For everything. Losing you was the worst pain I have ever felt (sorry dad, but its true) and it is the thing I am most grateful for, for it was done by the loving hand of my Heavenly Father, whose will I now earnestly seek above my own, and it has made me into more than I ever dreamed I could be. I still, earnestly, with the depth of my heart, beg for your return. I want to see your face, just one more time, and tell you that I love you, and that I forgive you, and beg for your forgiveness. I long for your return back into my life to stay forever. But whatever His will, that is my will also. So even if I never see you again, my joy is complete. My life is complete. I am complete.
I said, earlier today, that whatever happened, it is well with my soul. And today certainly yielded me no hope. And yet, by the grace of God, it is well with my soul. I am at peace. I give you into His hands, and cease my striving. Blessed be our God, the sovereign of all things. I am at peace.
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