Day Seventy Six - Perfection

I've always wanted to be perfect. At something. At anything. At everything. And I've never been perfect for one second of one day. In my twisted little head, that's a lot of failure. But I've slowly gotten over that as I've grown up. I've realized that perfection doesn't exist and being pretty damn good will have to suffice. And some things I even have to settle for decent. I'm a pretty damn good daughter, but only a decent Christian. I've swallowed these truths, and nurse my poor wounded ego that at least I'm not a total failure.

And then there are days like today that feel like total failures. Failure just seemed to be lurking around every corner. It's amazing how missing one e-mail out of hundreds and I suddenly look like a totally unorganized idiot. I usually rock at my job, I take pride in being the best at it, and today I royally sucked and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I don't even want to go to bed, because when I do, next thing I know it'll be morning and I'll have to try again and I'm scared it'll be another day full of failure. 

But here's the thing: I realize that attitude is ridiculous. I shouldn't be cowering and trying to hide in my own little corner. I've made a few mistakes. But I've learned from them. I won't be repeating them anytime soon. And that's the thing, whether it's the Christian analogy of 'walking' or the life analogy for it, you don't come out of the womb walking. I'm still relatively new at this, life and my job, and it's going to take some time before I've got it all figured out. And getting frustrated at myself isn't going to help. Sure, I'd like to sit down and cry, but it's better if I just get back up and keep trying. Because if there is something that has sunk in during my 23 years on earth it's this: the only person expecting me to be perfect is me. 

So here's to accepting that I'm not perfect, and that no one expects me to be. Here's to accepting that I am doing the best I can, and that involves learning from shitty days. Here's to going to bed, so that I can face another tomorrow, even if it ends up sucking just as badly as today. Because it won't always suck. In fact, chances are tomorrow might be quite nice. But I'll never know if I'm not ready to face it. 

And for me, the only way to get ready is to let down my guard, my fear or being wrong, of being imperfect, of being less than awesome, and lay down my inability at God's feet. My frustration for things that are out of my control can only be taken away when I ask someone, the only One who can help, to help me. The only way to prepare for tomorrow is to give it to God today and know that He'll meet me there, and that together, we'll get through it. 

That being said I'd really like to go back to being awesome again soon.