Rant alert.
I have an issue with people touching my face. I don't like it. It threatens me. My first boyfriend used to hit me, not hard, not painfully, but a little slap when we were arguing and he wanted me to shut up. It wasn't painful, but it was degrading. Ever since, I just really don't like people to touch my face. This is also magnified by the fact that I just don't like being touched in general. It takes me quite a while to feel comfortable enough with a person to be able to be touched by them and be okay with it. I don't like strangers invading my space. Touch means a great deal to me, and thusly when I touch you, or when I am okay with you touching me, it implies a great deal of trust.
I had recently explained that to someone I thought was going to be a new friend. He said it was hard for him not to touch me, innocently, because he was a touchy person and he wanted to express innocent affection, but that he'd respect my boundaries.
And he did. He didn't touch me. He did something much, much worse. Tonight, this new friend and I had a bit of a misunderstanding. It should have been nothing. I blame alcohol, because I don't care what he says, I spent 6 months around drunk people listening to them talk and he was drunk. He managed to make me feel like shit. The things he said, "Well if this is how it's going to be then you can drop me and go find another chum." or "Hear me out or I'll let you go like a fart in the wind." (Had to be drunk because when he's sober he's really not that big of an asshole) hurt so much more than a slap in the face.
I feel completely degraded and disrespected. A boy, who is too old to be called that but who is acting like it none the less, who told me that he'd respect my boundaries and work to earn my trust and wanted to get to know me because I was just so fascinating and beautiful... Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I only wanted to see something in him, the potential for a new friend, because I liked the compliments. I hope I'm not that shallow... but maybe. Anyway. That boy took something that should have been nothing, (literally him asking me why I was upset and me saying, 'nothing.') and made it into the most drama-tastic shit fest I've seen since high school. Somehow I had wounded him by not telling him what was wrong, that I had completely disregarded his concern for me and that hurt. This from the same boy who had, not two days ago, told me that when I did have a bad day he wanted to be there to make it better. I had a stressful day, and am now ending it in a rant because no physical slap has ever hurt me the way he has tonight. I don't remember the last time I felt so degraded, and I worked as a cocktail waitress at a bar who got her ass slapped and had men trying to put money in my bra 'cause you'd make a great stripper'.
At the end of this rant, all I can say is how glad I am that I never let him touch me. Had he touched my face, I'm fairly sure I'd want to vomit. This is why I'm so careful with people, this is why I hold so many at arm's length. I'm usually a fairly decent judge of character but holy schnikes I was wrong on this one. 110% wrong. When someone can, in a single 5 minute conversation, do more damage than a well placed slap to the face, that is someone that I have absolutely no business being around. Those are people that can do real damage and do it fast.
Thank God I've had (and have) enough wonderful men in my life to have enough self respect to walk away immediately.
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