Day One Hundred and Thirty Six - Public Apology... Sort Of

Somedays, I'm not a very good Christian. Somedays, I'm not a very good person. Somedays, I get called out by people I trust and love, and they're very right. And somedays, even though I apologize, they're still upset. And there's nothing I can really do about that.

There is a particular person in my life that I do not get along with. I never have, and very honestly, I probably never will. But that doesn't make that person any less loved by God. I know God adores this person, I have been used in the past to give messages of hope, and deepest love to them in the past. But for my life, I cannot get along with them.

I have tried trusting them in the past, and been burned with it. I have tried extending the hand of friendship, and been burned with it. So I mostly just ignore this person's existence. We've tried, we've failed. We just let it go. But... I don't want other people to be burned by her like I have in the past. So sometimes, when it comes up, I subtly try to warn others away from an intimacy with this person. This person is by no means evil, or malicious, but highly misguided, and has... fabricated untruths in the past that have affected people's lives in negative ways. I know I'm being terribly vague, but I feel no need to bring more upon this person than I already have.

See, this week, I was less than kind to this person. I was speaking to a new friend, who had also had years of negative experiences with said person, and rather than hold my tongue, I began sharing my own negative experiences. I shouldn't have. It was unnecessary, unkind, unloving, and very disrespectful to my God who does love and cherish this person.

The thing is... I don't know how to express my sorrow. No apology will help. "Hey, I'm sorry I was saying shit I shouldn't have, but none of it was lies or rumors, I should have just kept my mouth shut because the new friend already shared my negative opinion of you." That's the shittiest apology ever, and it's not really an apology at all. I am sorry for what I did. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could love this person genuinely. And despite the fact that I'm usually an unfeeling bitch about it, I do care. If this person ever had a genuine need, I'd try to meet it. I want only the best for this person. I want this person to grow in love and maturity and frankly to find people better than myself in which to find their identity and find people with more patience than I to find healing and unconditional love. I know I'm not that person, and it grieves me. Maybe someday.

So it occurred to me to do this instead, to publicly state my sorrow, and my regret at being such a hypocrite. I long for a loving community, and rather than being a part of that, I was part of something much worse. I don't like being talked about behind my back, and should never talk of anyone behind their back. I am very much ashamed of my behavior. I'm not always a great person. And so now, world, you know that.

I screwed up, and I'm sorry. If I've been a bitch to you, I'm sorry. I'm aware I have failings. I'm aware I do things I shouldn't. But I really am trying to not do them anymore. I really am trying to be less of me and my failings and more of Christ and His character. Really, I am. Even if I say the same thing tomorrow, because I have made the same mistake. My remorse, and my repentance, is genuine.

But that's for me to know and prove over time, you don't have to believe me at first. Selfishly, I just hope that you have more patience with me than I have with most people.