Day One Hundred and Fifty Four - This Is My Body

I've always been an internal person. I'm much more likely to be wrapped up in my thoughts to distraction then lost in sensation. To fully illustrate this point, when I was 5 my brother would want to play. I used to tell him that I didn't want to play, but wanted to go outside and think. And I did. I'd go to our front yard, sit down by the tree, and sit and think. For hours. My brother would get very upset, turn to my mother and say, "She's five! What does she have to think about?" 

And for the life of me, I have no idea what I was thinking about. But sometimes its important to take time and just think. Unfortunately, I took it to the extreme. I became almost completely internal. Touch had very little meaning. It was not how I expressed emotion, all of my expression was verbal. A hug was perfunctory. I couldn't even feel it when I wanted to. I would try and hug someone, I wanted that feeling of love and relief that you're supposed to get when you wrap your arms around another person. And didn't. That part of me got lost somewhere along the way. 

And for the longest time, I thought that I'd find it in other people. That if I was told how people saw me enough times, then I'd start to see myself the way they did. And that I'd feel what they felt. And it helped. It definitely helped. I became comfortable with myself. But still, my body was more or less in 'off' mode. I couldn't find what I was looking for in anything or anyone other than my own body. 

So this is my body. It is my body, and no one else's. It is what I was given, and it is beautifully and wonderfully made. It can do anything I want it to. I want to push it, and know what I am made of. I need to know that I can do anything I set my mind to. I need to take pride in not only who I am but what I do. I cannot become the woman I want to be without actually DOING it. 

This is my body. In time it will become strong. In time, I will be able to run for my life during the zombie apocalypse and have a chance. In time, I will push my body and it will keep up with my mind. In time, as I discover what I can do, and how it is more than I ever thought, I truly believe that I will begin to live externally as well as internally. That's the hope anyway.

And even if I'm wrong... still need to be ready for the zombie apocalypse.