Day One Hundred and Forty Two - I Think I Broke Myself

No, really. I think I broke myself. This week has been less than kind to me, but my wild reactions to it haven't been entirely justified. I had a dream about my dad that made me emotional. There were a few crises here and there at work. Nothing huge, and yet I sort of went ballistic. My only conclusion is that I broke. Something in me just... broke. Because after the whirlwind of emotion that this week has been, tonight I don't feel a damned thing. And it's not a drunk or drugged numb. It's like a... short in the circuit. I think I actually blew my own fuse. I overloaded my capacity for emotion and just shorted out.

But it's numbness, not peace. And I don't want to be numb. Granted, I'm not saying it's great for the people around me to have to deal with me on emotional overload, but I would personally prefer that to this weirdness. I hope it passes in the night and by morning I'll be back to my regular old self.

Any other option is mildly terrifying. Because I don't know what to do with this numbness. I'm neither tired nor awake. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be around anyone. I'm not hungry but would probably eat. I have nothing that I want to be doing but don't want to do nothing. I don't know how to reconnect the short, and while I know that I need to do that, I feel nothing but apathy about it. I honestly think I managed to break myself.

I don't have any inspirational way to end this tonight. I'm usually pretty good at those. I guess I'm up for suggestions? Have you ever broken yourself? How did you fix it? Do I just need a good movie marathon or something? I can't cook anymore, my fridge is packed... I could definitely do laundry tomorrow though. I digress.

I know how I want to end this. I may not be able to feel anything right now, neither joy nor sadness, peace or madness. But what I feel does not dictate my truth. And so tonight, though I cannot feel Him, I know He is with me. Though I cannot hear Him, I know He hears me. My God is good. My Jesus is fighting for me. My God loves me. My God is taking care of me. My God is glorious and wonderful and all powerful. My God takes care of His own. All of that is true, and I trust Him. Numb or not, in all honesty, that is probably how I should end every night.