Day One Hundred and Fifty Nine - Unhinged

Listening to Evanescence makes me feel just a little bit unstable. It sort of beckons me to a crazy place. A place where logic doesn't exist. A place where there is only emotion. A place where there is only the past. A place where if I just ran far enough I could forget what has happened. I could move on, if I could just run far enough. A place where wishes, when begged for with tears, might just come true. A place where most everything is black and white.

The only thing is, that place doesn't actually exist. There is no world in which I can leave the past behind by running around the neighborhood all summer. There is no place in which there is only black and white. There is no place I can ever really forget. 

But there is a place I could move on. This place. Reality. I can't run until I forget, but I can run until I have the body I've always wanted and know that I can last longer than 10 hours in the zombie apocalypse. And that's fairly awesome. I can't have my wishes granted because I cry over them, but I do have a God who hears my prayers and loves me. I can't forget, but I have forgiven. 

The drama of those songs makes me feel a little unhinged, but stubbornly holding onto to the truth that I'm not broken, that my God is good and hears me, and that because life is always changing, there is always hope and good things to be enjoyed, here and now, keeps me sane. I'm not unhinged for believing that I can move on, believing that I've got a real shot at getting the things out of life that I've always wanted, namely the chance to be a wife and mother. Sometimes it does seem impossible, but then I remember a lot of things that seemed impossible until I did them. And then I smile. And know that I do the impossible all the time. And more importantly, that the impossible happens all around me. 

I smile, and remember that being a Sparkly Marshmallow may make me look insane on a fairly regular basis, but that there is nothing insane about having hope, or standing up to your demons. That's just strength. That's honesty. That's seeing reality. So in the end, the difference between sanity and insanity, between being a Sparkly Marshmallow or not, is not whether or not you see the good or the bad, or even whether you accept it or not. It's whether you work to bring light and softness to your world and the world around you, or whether you despair at the dull hardness. 

And being a Sparkly Marshmallow has taught me that trying to control anything, by chasing after it or by running from it, will usually lead to some level of disaster. So I'm not going to be unhinged and try and run to or from anything. I'm just going to run to strengthen my lungs, my legs, my core, and my determination. And that is possibly the most sane thing I have ever said.