Day One Hundred And Thirty Nine - Getting Naked

Let me start out by saying, this is the quote I'm pulling from tonight.

"It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex; people do it all the time, but opening your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams...that's being naked."

I'm terrified of being naked. I have spent the last 3 years making sure that I wouldn't have to get naked with anyone. That level of vulnerability... well it hurt me once, deeply, and ever since I've been doing everything within my power to protect myself.

And on the very rare occasions I have shown a little skin, it's been like ripping off a band aid. Quick. All in. Almost sort of violent about it. Always braced for impact; always braced for rejection. Which is, frankly, another level of protection. Because if I'm accepted, and not rejected, I immediately hide in that person. Always jumping from one person to another, always staying in a safe place. Never, really, truly allowing myself to be vulnerable. Not with all of my skin showing, to all the same person. I allow different people to have different pieces. But I'm not really naked with any one person.

And for the longest time, that was exactly how I wanted it. But now... for the first time in a very long time, the benefits of safety are outweighed by the desire to be known. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore. I wasn't hurt in the past because of who I was, but because of who he was.

Yes. I want to get naked with someone. I want someone to see me, all of me. I want to see someone, all of them. I want to take that incredibly difficult journey into revealing myself, and having someone else reveal to me. I don't care that just the thought makes my heart race. I don't care that I'm not perfect, and there will be flaws revealed. I don't care how difficult it is, I'm determined to remain open to it. I can't just jump into something, because then once again I'd be hiding. I have to do this right, the way it was meant to be done. Slowly, and with uncertainty at each step.

And it looks like the uncertainty starts now... because now that I've made that decision, I'm incredibly uncertain as to the very next step. But deep breaths, and I'm sure that I'll figure it out as I go. So long as I stay open.