I am a ball full of conflicting emotions. I'm happy and scared and nervous and anxious and excited and angry and giddy and relaxed all at the same time. It's overwhelming. Each emotion needs its own space and time and they're so busy fighting for dominance I just feel a little crazy. But I'm hopeful. And strong. I'm choosing to focus on the good, on the happy and giddy and relaxed. I'm trying to talk myself out of the scared and nervous and anxious. I'm trying to understand the anger. I just have to hold on long enough, and I know they'll all fall into place.
I just feel so off. I love the changes in my life recently, there are not enough words to describe how excited I am, or how good it feels, to be with the Gentleman. But it's also completely thrown off every single one of my routines. My home routine is off, my sleep routine, my social routine. Everything. And it's hard to get them all back on track. Some of them will continue to jump the tracks rather frequently. Others need to find their way again in order for me to have any sanity.
The problem I'm finding that I have is how strong these emotions are. They are raging. And I'm trying to express them in texts and blogs. And that just isn't going to work. These emotions need runs, they need knees hitting carpet, they need singing at the top of my lungs, they need screams. These are no little things, they are a storm that will not dissipate until it has run its course.
So if I seem a little over the top for the next few days, it's because I am. I am over the top, and have to be, in order to find my center again. I have to feel all the things I'm feeling. I have to give them a voice, even if it's just feet on pavement to run it out. Even if it's just screaming in my car. Even if it's just writing a poem. Whatever I need. Because I need to be all of me again, but no longer all of me at war.
No comments:
Post a Comment