I often talk things through. Welcome to the blog. You guys are my imaginary sound board. I vent, I ponder, I offer commentary on my own life. Talking is sort of my thing. But for the past few weeks... it hasn't been. There are a whole lot of changes going on inside of me right now. I had an entire day dedicated to changing my entire look to make the outside match the inside for heaven's sake. And the inside is still changing and the outside is as well. In a sudden shift of events, I've realized that even my style has shifted fairly significantly in the past few weeks.
Now, I realize how this may look. I changed my outside to match my inside, which coincidentally started changing right around the time I started seeing The Gentleman. I'm also now planning a move to where The Gentleman moved. I know how it seems. But that's not it at all. Dating The Gentleman was the first step in this entire series of figuring out who I really am, what I really believe, and what I really want. The process had already started when I started dating him, it's merely continuing while I date him. And while he has influenced my choice of location, it's not for the reasons you might think. Being closer to him is a definite perk and one I'm very much looking forward to. But I'm moving because his town simply has more job opportunities than mine. Because it's a fresh start. Because I need to live on my own for a while. Because I need to clear my head of all the voices around me (even the great ones, like Erica and the OSM) so I can hear myself again.
I see it... more of a door. The Gentleman opened a door for me. With his town, he opened up an entire world of opportunity that I wouldn't have looked for if it wasn't for him. And when I'm around him... well and I quote, "I'm your emotional snuggie for social situations". Which is totally true! Minus the awkward backwards robe. But he is. And somehow, even though we're taking it slow, I've found the security I needed to make some bigger changes in my life - simply because I wanted to. I found a confidence I was afraid had forever left the building.
And yet, so many of the changes are still brewing away inside, completely silent. It's going to take time for them to get to the surface. You're going to see the changes, not just hear about them. And that was sort of the point all along.
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