What you believe is your business. Your morals only affect me if you think it is okay to kill me when I annoy you. Then we're going to have an issue. But really, for the most part, I don't mind differences. Sure I think I'm right, if I didn't think I was right I'd change my beliefs until I did. I hope you feel the same way because if you believe something thinking it's wrong... call a therapist. But do me just one favor. Follow through. It's a thought that's been wiggling in the back of my mind for a week now. You all remember Cheerful Boiler Room Guy? Don't worry, he went and disappeared off the face of the earth as promised, and to my increasing relief. However, there were two things he did that made me cock my head to the side and think to myself, "What the hell?"
1) He told me once, "I live as much as I can because I only have one life and then I die and then there is eternal nothingness." I smiled and shook my head, because I disagree. Not about the living part but about what comes after. As a Christian, death is only the beginning. I don't care that he thought that though. If that's what he believes, any little speech I have isn't going to change that. What bothered me is that when he learned that my dad was dead he suddenly wasn't so hard and fast about there being eternal nothingness after you die. "I believe I'll see him again. I know you don't," I said, "But I do." He hesitated, "Well, no. I mean, I don't know. Maybe there's... I mean I didn't mean that he's just..." "Dead?" I finished for him. "Well, that's what you said. You die and then there is eternal nothingness. According to your beliefs, I'll never see my father again and he doesn't exist anymore. He's gone. Forever." And then he started backtracking even more. I don't understand that. If you believe that after death is nothingness and ceasing to exist then... follow that through logically and stick with it. But don't try to comfort me, or anyone else, including yourself, but suddenly saying you're not sure what you believe.
2) Once, after work, when he was walking me to my car, he insisted on opening the door for me. I just looked at him like he was an idiot. Really? I can't open my own door? You have to because you're a man? Really? And he said, "*insert his girl's name here* hasn't opened a door in a decade." And I just stared at him, dumbfounded. I mean just speechless. Really? Was he $^@!$#@%( kidding me? It's somehow of the utmost importance that he opens her door for her but God forbid he's faithful to her!? Let me tell you, as a woman, I care a hell of a lot more whether or not my man is cheating on me than whether or not he opens the door for me. Follow through. Doors mean nothing in the face blatant and repeated unfaithfulness. I mean... seriously. How does that not compute? How does wanting to take care of her and wanting her to feel special and treating her well suddenly vanish when it comes to her deep emotional needs?
The answer to both is because it only worked when it was easy for him. That pissed me off. Believing in nothing after death is easy until you're faced with someone's grief and hope and have to tell the truth about what you really believe - that their hope is false and their grief unending. It's easy to open a door, it's hard to say no to desire.
I can't say I haven't done similar things in the past. It's really hard to have to be honest with someone and truly believe that someone they loved might be in hell. Or to be honest with myself and think that someone I truly loved might be in hell. (For instance, my grandfather on my father's side. By all accounts, he was a truly evil son of a bitch, though I never loved him.) I at least have the cop out of 'Only God knows the heart'. But it's true. I do believe that some people go to hell. And if asked, I'll say it. Because it is my belief, the true conviction of my heart, even when it sucks and when it's hard. Because if you can't say it, don't believe it, when it sucks and when it's hard... then you don't really believe it at all.
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