Day Two Hundred and Seventy One - I Can't Imagine

There is a girl that I work with that absolutely boggles my mind almost daily. I cannot imagine what it would like to be her. She cannot communicate her thoughts worth a damn. Honestly. She just can't.

I asked her once what a hospitalist was. "A doctor that works at the hospital."

 I just sort of stared at her. "Isn't that all of them?"

"Well yea," She said, chewing her lip, "But they're, like, different."

"Okay, different how?"

"Well like they're here. At the hospital."

I just shrugged and waited until I could ask another coworker. Which I did. Same question. This coworker responded, "They're the doctors they call when the patient's normal doctors can't be at the hospital or are too far away." Oh. Right. Okay. That makes total sense. It makes a hell of a lot more sense than the first answer. The thing is, the first girl knows that. She knows exactly what a hospitalist is. She just can't communicate it. This happens rather often. I've learned not to ask her questions. Because her answers are just the most unhelpful things in the world.

"Where is *insert name of random medical supply*?"

"Um... like up there on the shelf next to those things." And she points. There are like 20 shelves. And over 14,000 things. Really? At my look of confusion another one answered, "Aisle MN (yes, they're designated by letters), shelf 4, right next to *insert name of random medical supply that she knew I knew what it was called*."

She knows exactly what she means. She knew exactly where the specific thing I am looking for is. But it is 1984 come to life. She cannot express herself verbally. She can cry when she's sad and laugh when she's happy but when it comes to verbal communication - she is simply unable. Whether its how she's feeling to what something is or where things are. She can't be understood.

And I simply cannot imagine what that would be like. Granted, I take pride in my ability to articulate something perfectly, but I take pride in it because of the overwhelming sense of satisfaction of knowing that I can express exactly what I mean, exactly what I feel. It doesn't guarantee that I'll be understood, but I know I did absolutely everything possible. I cannot imagine having deep feelings, or even trying to give directions, and having my own brain and my own tongue work against me to hinder that.

I'm more and more concerned that she is not the abnormal one, but that I am. I've seen that problem in my generation over and over again. The struggle to find the right word, the right expression, and the failure. And the shrug that so clearly conveys that it's not worth the effort. It is. Please believe that it is. It is essential. It is essential to connect to other humans, it is essential to express yourself. It's the only way to really learn, and learn from others, and learn from yourself, and teach others what you have learned. I want to learn from you.

What you have to say is important.