Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
I have spent the vast majority of the last few years of my life making sure there wasn't a single person in it that I would consider a 'need' person. Need people are the absolute fastest way to ensure that your heart gets broken. Guy or girl, doesn't matter. The moment you need someone, they're gone, and you're the idiot that gave someone that kind of power over you.
Let me explain to you how hard I have worked at this. Everyone who reads this blog understands how deep my love for the OSM is. That is is an unfading love. I will always love the OSM. Nothing will ever change that. But I have never asked for the OSM to return such a love. I know he loves me. I know it's a real love. But I never asked for it to mirror my own. I have no expectations for the OSM whatsoever other that so long as he loves me, he loves me well. I have kept my hand open with him, fully knowing that someday we would not be as close. Someday, we will only be acquaintances, the distance of life will have gotten the best of us. It's bound to happen. Though it is my dearest hope that when we cross paths again, we will be able to thoroughly enjoy each other's company once again for a few hours and remember all the good times.
The entire time I have loved the OSM I have prepared myself for the fact that we would not always be the closest of friends. I have held him in my heart, but I always tried to respect the fact that someday God would call him elsewhere. Open hand. Open heart. No heartache.
I feel I have successfully done this for the past few years. I've lost some dear friends, and gained a few as well. But none of the lost ones broke my heart, nor will any of the few I have gained. They are free. To go or stay in my life as they please.
Except... except now for one. I woke up this morning in an absolute panic. My heart was racing. There were tears in my eyes. And I knew - all that hard work was for nothing. I'd given someone the keys. I'd let down every wall for them. My heart was theirs. They could do as much destruction as they chose. All they'd have to do is leave and it would break. It's terrifying. I am terrified. What was I thinking, letting this happen? I can have love, I can have deep, meaningful relationships without this. And yet, here I am. My heart in the hands of another. All I can do is trust and pray. And know that it won't kill me. So far as I know, actually dying from a broken heart is a very rare condition. It'd still hurt, though. It'd still devastate me.
Trust and pray. I'm not going to try and control or take my heart back or try and manipulate him into staying. I'm just going to trust and pray and keep being me. Because... because that's the best thing to do. That's what started this whole thing. Being myself. Smiling. Laughing. Being free. I'm going to keep doing that. Because vulnerability doesn't mean hurt. It can also mean the deepest, best hug your heart has ever gotten. It can also mean healing. It can also mean letting someone truly love you. And... for me... right now.... it's worth it.
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