I was never made to be single. I've known that from a fairly young age. Singleness is not for me. I was made to be with someone. And so I'm constantly looking. Not always actively - there was a solid 3 year period that I didn't date anyone because I wasn't in a good place and because I couldn't find anyone that... anyone that felt like home. And during that time I made amazing friends, both guys and girls, who changed me, changed my life, into something much better than I could have hoped. But I still long for love. I'm still hungry. And at no point in my life am I suddenly going to decide that I'm not.
That being said, I've also realized something rather strange in the past week. For context, I LOVE love songs. I listen to them fairly constantly. The 2 top played songs on my iPod are 'Good to You' by Marianas trench (which you should listen to immediately because it's amazing) and 'Heaven is a Place On Earth' by Katie Thompson which is also amazing. They're both love songs. I can't get enough. But for the last week, I keep pressing 'skip' on all the love songs I have. Not because I suddenly am not interested in love, haha, no. But because my strongest emotion right now is a desire for something else. It's all 'girl power' songs, though not all of them are about girl power. But they're the motivational songs, like "And Run" by He is We. About picking yourself up and fighting for the things you want - the not love things. For me, it's moving and finding a great job and getting myself out of this rut. It's about taking charge of my life and not waiting for someone to come save me from it. Not only can I do it, but I have to if I really want change in my life.
Because right now, that job in Madison is far more appetizing than any romance. And that is really new for me. Moving to a new town, getting an apartment of my own, and putting my stamp on it is a greater desire than falling in love with a great guy. And that's as 'not hungry' as I'm going to get.
My conclusion is this: that saying "it'll happen when you least expect it" is my least favorite saying ever. Because if it happens right now I'm going to be so pissed off. It's hard enough to pick up everything and move away from friends and family and all I've ever known. I want it, but it's not exactly easy. And it'll be 10x harder if I'm walking away from an amazing guy to pursue this unknown. So I sure as hell hope that saying is false because for once in my life - nothing is going to stop me from doing what I need to do - including love.
I'm right there with you. I completely hate that statement. "When you least expect it." EVERYONE tells me that. Well, newsflash. It's three years here, and still not expecting it. And while I've tried, I've failed miserably at times, but I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you. My issue is that there is a 1000 people that think they've "found the perfect girl for me". I don't really want to deal with someone else right now. I've got things going on in my life. Graduation, Job, Officer Commission. And while love is always there, frankly at this point, I've been burned, hurt, scarred, battered and bruised too much to care right now. So I'm finally doing something for me.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Valerie. I know you've given me some encouragement, just because I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.
~J