Life isn't a fairy tale, though it has it's moments.
Today, I'm curious about something. What if... what if love at first sight (which I have always thought was absolutely ridiculous) exists? Except, it's not love at first sight. Or second. Or third. Or fourth. But it is sudden. A face that's rather familiar, though distant, suddenly becomes everything. Your heart skips a beat. A tear fills your eye, but you blink it away because it makes no sense. A dead heart comes back to life in the single blink of an eye. And it's overwhelming. It's been so long. And it's pointless, because while in that moment everything changed for you, nothing changed for anyone else. Your heart is beating again, but it's still beating... alone. No one is falling for it, even though it is falling again. And you want to cling so hard to the hope that perhaps all the falling isn't for naught, that perhaps your heart won't slowly die again. But the waiting, the waiting is killing you.
Waiting for true love, that is. There is all sorts of imitations just waiting for me to get desperate enough. Like the guy in the boiler room who wants to do dirty, dirty things to me for just one night. Like the ex I have that I could have stayed with if only I hadn't demanded that we actually communicate.
So why? Why does my heart do this? Why 'insta love' someone that there is no chance with? No, really. Most guys I can charm my way into their thoughts, and often times their hearts, within a few weeks. This guy... he couldn't care less. There is no charming my way in with this one. I've tried. A few times. Then I gave up and tried just being friends. Nothing. And I don't blame him. Now is a terrible, terrible time to fall for me. Well. Anytime is. Because I'm not a casual girl. I tried that. To be casual. But I want love and forever. And hey, I know it's not for everyone. And I'm not saying lets get engaged on the third date. But I don't date people I can't see a future with. See? Falling for me is a terrible idea.
My rambling aside, the point remains. Why now? I've never insta loved before. Ever. I've been infatuated plenty of times. I know exactly what that feels like. But insta love is something entirely new to me. I've instant Christian loved people before. Usually girls, but the occasional guy who just needed someone to listen. Those relationships were usually incredibly short and for a very specific purpose. Not like this. Never like this.
This is one of those rare times I'm asking for your thoughts. If you have any. Has this ever happened to you? What happened? Do you believe insta love, even if it's not love at first sight? I'm still not sure I do. Any love without a happy ending isn't a love worth believing in. And right now the outlook is fairly miserable. And I still don't feel 100% right now, still fighting something off. So I'm sitting on my couch, watching sappy love movies. Wallowing. Because for the next 4 weeks I won't have time to wallow. I have to plan, apply, and pack. And move. And then fall in love with my new town, my new apartment, my new job, and my favorite season.
I'm gonna go cry now. Because insta love sucks just as much as the old fashioned try-not-to-fall-but-slowly-do-until-you-were-head-over-heels kind.
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