That word has so many meanings for me. Crash. At times it brings me back to The Barbarian Way and calls me to a faith that transcends life. At times it reminds me of how I've shattered into a thousand pieces when life has crashed into me and how much it hurt. Sometimes it reminds me of when I have crashed into life and absorbed everything the moment had to give me. And sometimes it pulls from me the desire to crash into someone, to find that person that will send me spinning and never let go and hold me so tightly it hurts.
I think that's why I love the word so much. Because not a single definition of it doesn't require courage. There is no small way to crash, no way that doesn't demand all you have. There is only its way. It will give you everything, it will take everything, it knows no in between, no middle ground. It will never change for you, you have to change for it.
When I was praying the other day, that was pretty much what I heard. That it was time for me to crash. But to do so, I'd have to run, to chase, to give it everything I've got. And I haven't yet. I've accepted, I've gone with the flow, I've let things ride but I haven't given it everything. I haven't crashed into it full speed.
But I don't think its because I lack courage, or maybe it is. Maybe having courage, and choosing to use it are two totally different things. Maybe some courage comes out only when you draw it out of you, not out of desperation or of need but pulling it out with nothing but sheer will to take the chances that will take you forward into the life you were always too afraid to lead.
So here's to pulling it out, because I want to. Because it's time to crash, time to spin, time to be taken apart and put back together. It's time to crash.
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