Time has been on my mind a lot lately.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Every second on the damn clock rushing us faster and faster toward things we could never control in the first place. Closer to our end. Closer to crashing into people we'll end up loving, into people we'll end up hurting, into people we'll never even get the chance to know. Into people who will change us, into times that will try us, into those beautiful moments that could have never been planned. There is no end to the constant racing of the clock. It never stops; it slows for no man. Time will eventually get the best of all of us, whether we look back with regret or satisfaction is entirely up to us, entirely up to how we use the little time given to us.
I know I've spoken before of all the things that I want to do in this short time given to me, but sometimes I am conflicted on how I want to spend that time. Like right now for instance. I am ready for a real relationship, but am I ready for the sacrifice that will entail? Am I really ready to give up my hidden hours? Am I really ready to give up singleness? Going where I please, when I please, with whom I please? *sigh* Even as I ask myself those questions, the answer is like the deep, bone rattling gong of a clock striking midnight, and yet quiet as a whisper in the wind. Yes.
The time is come. The clock is now counting down the very hours of this chapter of my life. Yes, yes, it sounds overly dramatic, and perhaps it is. But I'm a girl in her early twenties, deal with it.
You know how you get really excited about something new? Let's say for instance... graduation (from highschool or college or really anything). In the months leading up to it, it's all you want. To be done. To have finally reached that milestone. Halle-freaking-lujah. And then, in the final weeks it begins to hit you. This is really it. There is no coming back, these people will disperse, and new friends must be found. And you get all sentimental and suddenly everything is roses and do you really have to leave? Couldn't these last moments last just a little longer? Are you really ready to say goodbye and start a new chapter? And then, when it comes time to move, to really have your life change, you get a knot in the pit of your stomach. It's exciting, it's terrifying, and you suddenly question, even for a moment, every decision that led you to this. Were they the right ones? It's too late now, and you try and push it from your mind, and stand up and be brave, but part of you, even if it's a small part, is wondering if everything wouldn't be better if it never changed. If things just stayed the same. You know it's impossible. Change has to happen. There is no freezing it. But still, the knot tightens. So this is it.
That's what I feel like. Of course, I'm incredibly excited for change. It's time. Something has gotta give. But it's also terrifying. There's no turning back now. There is only forward. But there is a knot of trepidation, and my smile falters as I try and be brave. I have to be brave. Because I cannot control the change, but I can control who I am. I can control how I meet it.
And though there are things that I never want to change, I was never under the illusion that they wouldn't. And as much as I may not like to admit it... I am ready. So come, dammit. Come, change. Don't leave me waiting. Come with the fierceness I've learned to appreciate. But come swiftly. Don't give me time to back down, come now while the braveness is still in my bones. Come now, while my arms are still open wide. Come now, while I am still looking forward. Don't give me time to falter. Please.
Please.
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