Tonight (this morning) I am utterly relaxed. The most relaxed I've been in weeks. This is the feeling I long to get every weekend and most often fail. All I want to do is curl up and sleep because I know its going to be the best sleep I've gotten in weeks.
I couldn't tell you why I was... less than relaxed today. And I couldn't exactly explain what relaxed me. But, as usual, I've got a theory. See, as I was driving home from the bar (I had been a temporary/just in case DD), I realized that I very much did not want to go home yet. So I called a friend who I had heard was having a bonfire to ask him if he was still up, if the bonfire was still going, and if I could come over. I love fire. Fire, in and of itself, relaxes me. So that was step one. When I got there, I thanked the friend for letting me come over. It had been a while, but I've always thoroughly enjoyed his company. He just looked at me, smiled a little, and said, "Val, I didn't let you come over. You're always welcome here." And it just... felt so good. That was step two.
And step three was experiencing something that is usually tinged with bittersweet memories in a brand new, no bitter, just sweet way. A bonfire, with mostly people I didn't know, and just chilling. It was amazing. It was relaxing. And the people there were musicians, so for hours I was serenaded with guitars, a drum, and a harmonica, played by people who are VERY good at making music. But the real 'wow' moment came when they decided to learn "Wagon Wheel" (one of my all time favorite bittersweet memories) and I started singing. And they started singing. And it was "Wagon Wheel" but with an amazing beat and a new life infused into it. There was no bitter, just sweet. It felt like a load suddenly lifted from my chest as I sang it, and an utter and deep relaxation filled me.
There was no need to vocalize anything that I'd been feeling all day. There was no talking. Just singing, with my heart. It was nice to be able to... keep it to myself and just enjoy the company and talents of those around me. It was simply beautiful. And there was fire. And I had expressed myself, just in a way I never have before. A way without explanations or stories or any need to be listened to, a way that was just for me. I loved it. And double bonus points: my voice was good enough that I was invited to come sing with them again. Let me tell you, that is an offer I will be taking up.
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