Day One Hundred and Twenty Three - Thou Shalt Not Covet

I break this rule all the time. I'm not proud of it, but it's true. I covet when people lay down $100 at the bar like it's nothing. I covet people who can walk into a room of people they don't know and within minutes have everyone think they're amazing. I covet anyone who doesn't naturally have a unibrow. But mostly... I covet people in love. I covet people who are married. I covet people who have love starring them in the face and out of fear refuse to grab onto it. I covet the giddy high of new love, and the hard fought battle of long love. I covet everything about it.

Because for whatever new reason my insanity clings to today, I can't have it. Whether it's because I'm hung up on someone else, or because I know what I need and can't find it, or because I like being single, it really doesn't matter the reason. All I know is that where my girly heart ought to be, the heart of a 23 year old with so much love to give that ought to be at least crushing on someone, is a cold thing that is hard as stone. An old, jaded thing that has completely given up hope. A hopeless grey weight that has slowly withered from years of constant disappointment. In myself. In others. In hope.

So I covet, and pray to God that there might be hope yet. That perhaps it isn't all gone. That perhaps this dead thing can come to life once more. That somehow, some day, a new fire will break from it, shattering the ice that surrounds it in layer after layer. That perhaps, just maybe, it can beat, and skip a beat, and race, and do all the things that a heart ought to, rather than just slowly ache itself into nothingness.

If there is anything I've learned in this life, it is that numbness is infinitely more harmful to the soul than pain. So I guess that's my only encouraging word tonight, just in case anyone else feels the same way. If it still hurts, you're still alive. And if you're still alive, there is hope for you yet. Even if all you see is grey. After all, grey can be beautiful in its own way. They grey of a foggy morning shimmers. Yes. There is hope for us yet.

Oh yea, and I'll... try to covet less. I'll try to covet less, and you try to realize that no matter how bad your life may seem, there is someone who covets it.