The only conclusion I can come to this morning is that I must have pissed someone off. (Perhaps something as I'm not completely clear on whether or not demons are classifiable as people.) But oh, oh, they were angry this morning.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a morning person. I try, I really do. And I'm usually happy in the mornings, but it's a quiet, 'give me an hour to be social' sort of happy. A quiet happiness at the morning. This morning, I woke to nothing but... condemnation and degradation.
There are things I've never been good at. Money management has never been a strong point. I don't bounce checks, I don't have multiple overdue (or even a single overdue or maxed out) credit cards, I pay all of my bills and I pay them on time, every time. I'm just consistently broke (which is why we're very excited about a second job opportunity!), can't help small splurges (usually at the grocery store), and really suck at tithing/giving. It's really... well it's shameful. I am ashamed with how I spend the small amount entrusted to me. How is it that I can always find an extra five bucks for more chicken breast, or an extra bottle of honey, or that now rare diet coke, but can never find it when it comes time to give it away? I know that I am a poor steward of the resources entrusted to me. It is a sin that I confess often, and look forward to God's transforming work there. Even if it just involves a husband who is good with it and handing my checkbook over to him. I'm okay with that. I know I suck at it. I know I have to change.
And I know I don't pray enough. I pray constantly, but with little focus. I know I really need to spend concentrated, dedicated time in prayer. For others, for myself, for my city, to just talk to Him and really listen. But I'm trying with that one too. As it gets warmer and warmer I look forward to getting back into my hammock prayer time. I put thought into each day. There is far more time dedicated to it now than a year ago, or even a month ago. Not every change in the Christian life is that of Paul, sometimes it takes years.
Most people know that I'm harder on myself than anyone ever could be on me. And my faults and failures do often bother me. But I've learned that beating myself up, putting myself down, heaping extra punishment upon myself, or any other destructive behavior doesn't help, but only damages more. I've gotten a lot better at just giving it to God with sincere confession and repentance. That's why this morning was just so startling. I didn't sleep well. I woke up near panic. PANIC. About a bill that needs to be paid in 2 weeks, which I will have the money to pay in 2 weeks. About the half sink full of dirty dishes. About needing to remake my work calendar. I'm no longer panicked, as the light of day has revealed the silliness of those anxieties.
But I find myself still close to tears because it was more than just a misplaced morning panic. It was insults and condemnation. "How can somehow who fucks up so often still call themselves a Christian? If God cannot entrust to you $5 then how can He give you the gift of salvation? You're such a fuck up. That's all you are, one giant fuck up. A stupid, selfish bitch." That is a small, small sample. That's a relatively clean sample at that. Even though the morning has revealed the silliness of the anxiety, waking up to someone (thing) hurling insults at you isn't exactly a solid way to start the day, and is a lot harder to forget.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It's not for comfort. I know the anxiety and attacks were lies. And not very convincing ones at that. It took morning grogginess to give them any power. And they're losing what little power is left as the sun rises. I guess... I just want to encourage you. We all have bad mornings, bad nights, bad days. We all have those days when everything seems to be attacking, when the anxieties are overwhelming, when the self loathing is stronger than the truth of who you are. Don't let them get to you, don't let the lies overpower the truth. Don't let them take what you've worked so hard for. Because you have worked so hard for who you are. You have worked so hard to overcome the obstacles and build a life to be proud of. We both have. So as the sun continues to rise, let the lies vanish like the dew, and let our hearts be turned toward the Son who shines all truth. Let us sit at His feet and listen to what He has to say about us.
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