*note* This blog is NOT about Alex. I will never walk away from that and never want Alex to either.
Every time someone asks me how I am, my initial thought is usually 'tired'. Sometimes, it's 'exhausted' and sometimes it's 'stupidly happy because I'm tired'. Most times, though, tired is somewhere in there. I was exhausted last night. And a dear friend decided it was a good time to pull out some really passive aggressive bullshit.
He started off the conversation by saying 'miss you' and within minutes was proposing that we got together again. I flat out said no. I've walked down that road before, and every time it has been a horrible idea. It can't work. It will never work. I was very upfront about that. As soon as I said no, he went OFF. How I've destroyed his trust before (though wouldn't tell me what he was talking about, only generalities and dodging), that I treated him like a toy, and that our friendship was disintigrating and it was my fault.
No. Hell no. I'm not taking responsibility for this shit. How am I treating you like a toy by telling you flat out that I'm not interested in anything more than friends and that I never will be? Pretty sure that means I love you, as a friend. No toying around. Just honesty. I haven't betrayed his trust, unless you count that one time 4 years ago that I have apologized endlessly for and if we're not over that yet, we're never going to be so I'm over it. Our friendship is not what it once was, and I don't visit as much as I used to, but he doesn't ever just visit me. We don't talk like we used to. We're both changing. And sometimes, I don't know who he is anymore, but I don't want to ask him to change because our friendship has always been based on taking each other exactly as we are.
I know he's pushing me away because he's hurt by my rejection, but I think it was partly his passive aggressive nature, and partly bored loneliness and a beer. I've rejected him every time he's proposed it in the last year. It's not like it was a shock. But I'm tired of chasing after him and pulling him back into this friendship. I'm tired.
If you don't want to be here, then leave. If you don't want to read this, don't. If you don't want to be friends with me, don't be. Do what you want to do, but don't wait for me to make it better, not this time. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm apathetic. If you want to leave, just leave. I am too exhausted by life to deal with the extra drama you insist on creating because you're bored.
I'm sorry if you want to be chased and expect me to because I always have in the past. I'm sorry if you need that validation. Because you're not going to get it this time.
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