Day Two Hundred and Twenty One - My Kids' Dad

I have a feeling I'm starting a mini series within the blog. I don't mean for it to be rants, but rather explanations that can be a little heavy on the sarcasm. Singleness is not my ideal, but it's what I've chosen. For so, so many reasons. The one we're going to focus on today is - you guessed it - My Kids' Dad.

Today, after I got off work, I decided that I was going to celebrate the 4th with my dad. It was his favorite holiday, and his birthday is right around now. So I bought some sparklers and bottle rockets and went to his grave and shot them off. That's the glorious thing about being buried in the country - no one could have cared less. It was good. I had a little cry. I miss him, and this grief will seep out of me for years. I will never be able to say to myself, "This is the last cry." It'll never be true.

And I loved my father, I did. We got good years together. But all the same, I want my kids to have a better dad. I want my kids' dad to be able to show them how much he loves them, I want him to be invested in their lives. I want him to show our sons how to respect women and be a knight in shining armor to our daughter. I want him to teach them about God from passion, not duty. I want him to protect them and provide for them. I want my kids' dad to be the dad I never got to have growing up. Stability, commitment, and love.

I will never intentionally put a child through what I went through. And I don't mean to whine at all, I had a lovely childhood and can't complain. And my dad and I reconciled when I was an adult and had a very good relationship before he died. But he was missing from my life for about 12 years, 12 very formative years, and I wouldn't wish that upon any girl. I would have killed for a daddy growing up. And damn it if my daughter won't have one.

And yes, these are things I think about when I think about dating someone. Because while I believe people can change, and maturity does come as responsibility grows, it's important to me that I'm not marrying a man who wants to be and act like a bachelor. I want to marry a man who wants to be a husband and father.

This is why I never understood people who said, "Well, your standards are too high." Really? What sort of standards should I have for the father of my children? Lower ones?