A lot of times when I post something, in a week or so I've forgotten about it. Or at least its filed away in the back of my mind. But when I said I have only just begun to scream... that has not faded, nor been forgotten. It is still at the front of my mind most moments. It has been patient, I've been a bit busy for all consuming anger, but it hasn't gone away, not even a little.
And I can't put it off forever. This anger, this rage, this need to scream, will never simply fade. It has to be faced, it has to be deliberately dealt with. It demands attention. And I want to give it. Anger is exhausting, but it's a hell of a motivator. I've never ran so hard as when I was angry. Unlike every other emotion I have, my anger will not be expressed verbally. It manifests itself in sweat and ache.
That is why I run. That is why I push. That is why I don't mind the sweat or the ache. Because it's sure as hell beats being absolutely furious at everything. It's more than an endorphin rush. I know what those feel like, and am a fan. But when I'm breathing hard, when I'm dripping sweat, when everything hurts, I can taste the freedom. There is an end to all of this, I won't be angry forever. But the key to getting rid of it is pushing through it.
There is no going around it. There is no going over or under. It has to be gone through, like most things in life. And so, one step at a time, one breath at a time, one 'sweet heaven, please let someone take enough pity on me to give me a massage' ache at a time, I will push through this. I'm not running away from my anger, I'm running toward it. I'm gonna hug it out with that rage. Push through, not run from.
Why do you run? And where are you running?
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