Yesterday, my dearest Miss Erica used her puppy dog face to get me to agree to go to a bible study. The people were actually surprisingly lovely. Especially the married couple. But two people stood out to me. One a tall, lanky, pale, gamer sort of boy. Fresh out of his teens. The other a short, tan, Hispanic boy with a thick accent. In the course of an hour, I grew to respect the Hispanic boy. His knowledge of scripture humbled me. His eagerness for it, and his joy in it were apparent from the get go. He radiated diligence born of need. His life had not been easy, and he had found the source of His strength and never let go. The tall, pale one on the other hand, in the course of an hour I grew to dislike him. From his blonde hair to his big feet, he is a legalist. According to him, Christians shouldn't drink, smoke, flirt, indulge in anything in anyway (except for video games), or swear. And they certainly don't have a sense of humor. At least one that is rated above G. I wanted to roll my eyes, grab him by the ear, and take him outside to show him that the real world has no place for his legalism. That salvation is not dependent upon how well I follow his rules. And in that moment I finally figured out why I hate legalists so damn much. Because I am one.
I love legalism. It's various forms have fascinated me since childhood. Priests, nuns, monks, the Amish. I like legalism so much I like it's abstract forms as well. Ninjas and knights. I dreamed of those lives. Living life by a rigid set of rules, whether Christian morality or another, it didn't much matter to me. I love the structure, the struggle. The honor. The peace of mind. And let's be real - the pride. Of knowing the secrets of the knights or ninjas, or the very secrets of God.
Which is foolish, childish, and self seeking. The only secret legalists keep about God is that there is no secret. He is for everyone and has no secrets. He did all the work for you. That's it. Did you know that nowhere in the bible does it say not to drink, smoke, or curse? Honest to goodness, cross my heart. Jesus actually had quite the sense of humor. The translation doesn't always carry it well, and the crowd was a little different back then, but even Jesus used sarcasm. So did Paul. In abundance. Ezekiel and Jeremiah used scattalogical language, and humor, a few times. Those are rules evangelical churches made up to outdo one another in misguided piety. Rules I make up so that I can tell myself that I'm better than everyone who doesn't follow my rules.
Don't get me wrong. God has rules. He loves justice and mercy, grace and love, purity and holiness. But He defines them, not us. He asks that we love His son and accept His gift. He asks that we love Him with all our heart, soul, and strength, and that we love our neighbors as ourselves. Everything else is a result born of those two things, not a law followed outside of them.
The reason I hate legalists so much isn't because I am so free in my Jesus and they aren't. It's because our set of rules differ and they don't want to bend to mine and I don't want to bend to theirs. That boys legalism shouldn't have made me angry, it should have made me sad. Believe me, the only person he is binding is himself. No one else feels the need to follow his fucked up set of rules. He is not convincing anyone of the gospel according to affluent american teen evangelicals. Nor am I. How many times, over how many years, have I preached that exact gospel? I preached in judgement and superiority. I tried to yoke others with my yoke and told them it was freedom. Thank God everyone I preached to was smarter than I, and handed the yoke right back, saying that it just wasn't for them. And I'm not through the woods yet, my mind is often bent toward legalism. It is something I often need saving from.
But he's not so different from me. I'd be willing to bet that he's angry that more people don't listen to his wisdom. "A 'cleaner' life would help so many! If only they would listen!" I was frustrated by people, and still am sometimes, for that exact reason. I'd be willing to bet he feels the weight of his guilt most days. I do. Most legalists do. That he beats himself up constantly because of his 'sexual sins' with his girlfriend, each time swearing that it won't happen again. That when he hears of other Christian boys doing exactly what he has done (and continues to do) that he immediately judges them. Again, that's me. Except for it would be with a boy, not a girlfriend. That he knows he should give as much attention to God as he does to his games but just can't find the time. That anytime he's ever heard someone speaking about video games being an idol he goes off into a rant about old men and how they just can't keep up with technology. I literally can't count how many times I've done that.
I don't know this boy. But I know legalists. Because I am one. And knowing that... makes me want to be very, very different.
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