And our very first guest blogger! Who wishes to remain anonymous :) Enjoy! I did. Although the blogger wishes to remain anonymous, and is talking about something very specific, I think the message applies to a lot of us. I know there are many days when I feel as if God has given me too much. As if He doesn't understand how hard it is. As if I feel like I'm screaming and no one is listening. But sometimes, at the end of our rant, comes the knowledge we sought. In silence. When we exhaust ourselves. When we can remember what we already knew.
At the beginning of this evening I was frustrated. Frustrated with myself for not understanding the gift He’s given me, frustrated because I felt so out of control. Frustrated because I seemed to be in an ongoing fight with God for control and I knew I shouldn’t be. I knew that I needed to just give Him control, but I couldn’t let go of the reins.
At the beginning of this evening, all I wanted more than anything was to talk with my dad. He would understand, he has the same gift as I. I didn’t have to try and explain what I was feeling to him. He’s sat with me in the past and helped me understand the things I was feeling and experiencing. I always felt relieved and at peace afterwards. But he wasn’t here and he won’t be here for the next week.
I tried to pray and found myself beating on Heaven’s gates in my mind, screaming out my frustrations and pleas for understanding to the God I couldn’t see but knew was there. I just wanted to know what I could do with this gift that felt so burdensome. “I pray and pray Lord, but still feel the cry fear and anguish of your children on my heart. What am I supposed to do now? You tell me it’s not a burden, yet it feels that way.” Silence. “Is this how you feel Lord? You have given me but a few of your children to feel, yet you carried the world on your shoulders. I can’t begin to imagine what that must have been like. No wonder. No wonder you retreated to pray alone so often. No wonder you cried tears of crimson blood in the Garden of Gethsemane.”
It was in that moment that I began to fully realize that those tears were for us. If only a few of His children could bring me to tears, no wonder his tears were of crimson blood. He felt all of our fears, all of our anguish, anxiety, anger, sadness, loneliness…everything. He retreated because he wanted to talk with His Dad.
After this whole conversation, I found the frustrations melting away. I got to talk with my Daddy, my Heavenly Father. He gave me peace that can only be found in Him. I found myself handing Him the reins and letting Him take control. I still don’t understand everything I am to do with His gift, but I am beginning to see why it is needed. There will still be days that this gift feels like a burden, but I know that my Dad is in control and He is there to talk to whenever I need it.
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