A good friend of mine brought to my attention that I communicate in a very masculine fashion. I assume that if you want to talk about something, you will. I'm not good at asking questions, especially to delve deeper into a subject. Which, often, can convey a sense of disinterest to whomever I'm speaking to. She is, of course, very right. It doesn't take knowing me very long to know that I do that. It's compounded by the fact that I talk things out. If there is something in my life that I am unsure of, or need to think on, then I talk about it. Until I have a solid grasp on it. Feel free to ask any of my close friends. I know I've annoyed them all with this at one point or another. Though I have to agree with Miss Erica, "I would hate to think what bottling that shit up would do to you."
I'm truly sorry if you've ever felt that way when I've been with you. I do care about you, and what is going on in your life, even if I have failed to convey that. It's no excuse for my shortcoming, though. Communication style aside, I talk too much. I'm far too self absorbed. And for that I apologize. I appreciate my friends that have the kindness to point out my failings; without your honesty I might overlook them completely.
When I first decided to blog about this, I was going to put on a brave face and focus on how I need such constructive criticism to be a better friend, and a better person in general. I'm not the servant I long to be, and without the help of those who love me, I never will be.
That is very true. The thing is... I'm out of brave faces. I'm not asking for pity or confirmation. Please don't leave me a message to make me feel better. I'm not trying to talk my way out of this, or mask the truth with weakness. I'm not trying to blow it out of proportion either. It's simply something I need to be more aware of, and learn to properly convey the interest I feel in people.
To wallow is another weakness of mine, which has been pointed out to me before, recently. I have a tendency to be a martyr to my faults. I play the martyr, helpless in my defeat, seeking the confirmation of others when I need to flex some inner strength and overcome. And I know I'm wallowing now. You can stop reading if you like. I've got nothing to say that needs to be heard, not tonight. I'm not trying to be a martyr. I'm not helpless in this, I simply need to listen more and speak less. Advice which I'm not taking now. Another fault.
There is a song by Owl City called Gold. I love the song. I love pretty much all songs by Owl City. But this one... makes my heart hurt every time I hear it. "Cause what you've got is gold. I know. You're gold." All I've got is fools gold. I sparkle, but there is no depth. Those who once though I had gold have learned better. And I wonder when someone will find true gold in me, if ever. I'm so glad my friend shared her thoughts with me, I will use them constructively. But tonight, I feel so utterly defeated.
Words are my thing, and not only do I use them destructively and judgmentally, but I can't even seem to use them to convey the love I feel for my friends. Now that I am aware of it, I will earnestly try to change. God did answer my prayer on how to change. With the renewal of my mind. True humility is not self flagellation, but self abandonment. Nothing will get better so long as I am focused on my faults, since most of them would resolve themselves naturally if I simply focused more on others.
See? I have to talk it out.
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