Do you remember that painfully honest blog where I told you all of the things that were wrong with me? That I confessed each lie that I wore like a mask? That I came clean with the things that shamed me the most? Since then, I have been doing a lot of internal dissection; figuring out the real me vs. who I wanted you to think the real me was.
And a lot of that came into clarification with The Gentleman. With The Gentleman, I decided to make a massive change in my life. For the longest time, I tried to live up to the standards that were set by my favorite theologians, namely Mark Driscoll and John Piper. Please do not misunderstand me, I respect those men more than I have words for. But Mark Driscoll is in his early 40's, and Piper in his late 60's. They are amazing men who have spent decades of their life in pursuit of God and preaching His gospel. They are humbling and inspiring. But I am not there yet. And it is pointless, nay, damaging, for me to think that I am, or can be, there yet. Driscoll alone has 2 decades on me, Piper over 4. They have lived, they have experienced things I can only dream of at this point. Their convictions come from the heart, not from books, but from life lived and God experienced. I can no longer pretend that we are the same. I am not there yet. And I am exhausted from pretending that I am.
So with The Gentleman, I made a massive shift to follow my heart, and my gut, and do something that would make me happy, even if I didn't know where it was going or where it would end. And so far, I am blissful. I am a changed woman. The OSM will tell you. I underwent a huge change when I just let my head fall back, and let my hair down, and relaxed into it. I feel as if my soul finally released itself in a great song of praise, letting go and singing at the top of my lungs, regardless of the lyrics that came out, or even the tune. I just sang. From my heart. Anger and freedom, frustration and worship, beauty and ashes, newness and loss. I'm singing. I'm singing with my whole heart for the world to see. This is the real me.
The me who decides each moment what I believe and what I don't; the me who sees what my true convictions are by my actions, not by my thoughts. The me who is decided based solely on my experiences, on my lessons, on my life. Me, for the love of God, and only me.
I don't care if you understand, though I want you to. I want you to understand what I'm doing, and why, but if you don't... it's not going to stop me. This is my life and I have to live it in the only way I can. Too long have I been skirting in the shadows, too long have I hung back, afraid. Now I grasp at this life, now I cling to it. I know what is to come, that belief remains unshaken, but until then, there are many things to try. Many mistakes to be learned. Many moments to have beautiful realizations.
Many moments to look back on and cherish, to hold close to my heart. Things that are only for me, this life that is mine. I cannot give away something I do not own. I long to give my life, fully and completely, to God my Father. But I am not there yet. I cannot give away something that I have not yet had.
And so this is both my prayer and my movement: that I have a life made full, so that I can do with it what I choose.
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