Day Two Hundred and Thirty One - It's Time To Get Lost

I'm sitting in a meadow. I can see for a mile in every direction, though just beyond is forests all around, and beyond those, mountains, and sometimes when the breeze blows just right, I swear I can taste the salt of the sea in the air. But I am not in the woods, nor climbing the mountains, nor facing the sea. I am sitting. In a meadow. Where I can see all that tries to come close. I hate being startled. And yet... yet I love being startled. In those moments where I have completely lost control and flounder for a footing... those pull at me, tempting me to come play, to come live for a bit in the world of surprises. But no, no. I always put my foot down, scold the person who startled me, and try to fit them into my neat little world. Which takes all the life out of life.

But there is a reason I've built this place for myself. There is a reason why I play God over this meadow. And admittedly, I only play at it. Even in this place I've made I don't control the sun that shines, or the green that grows, or the storms or the calms or the beauties that arise like friendship and love and growth. No, because if it was up to me, it'd be sunny all the time and wouldn't change at all. Back to the point, I did this all for a reason.

A long time ago, I lost myself in someone. I wanted to make him happy so badly that I started changing who I was to be who I thought he wanted me to be. In the end, I didn't like the person I'd become, he certainly didn't, and it took me close to a year to find myself again. I never, ever wanted to lose myself like that. I never wanted to get lost period. I'd lay the path out over and over again in my mind, each time seeing a new improvement so that the road would be smooth and my steps sure. But... I never left the meadow to venture into everything that lays beyond. I was never certain I had the path down, I was never certain I could follow it. There is still so much I don't know...

But tonight, as I was praying about these fears, God was very gentle, but very firm in His response. And this is what I heard, "I will never lose you, and you will never lose Me, but it is very much time for you to get lost." And I'm ready. Oh, God, am I ready. Let's do it. I'm so sick of this meadow, of everything being so damn tightly controlled, of me being so damn tightly controlled, that I'm running toward it. Yes. I want to get lost. 

I want to do what I want to do, not analyzing it down to the end and then making a judgement but just leaping because it looks fun. To not be ruled by what I ought to do or ought not to do but to just DO. To live and experience and really, honestly, give up control. Because God and I cannot be in control. Either I am or He is and I've done a fuck up job of it. I'm letting go of the reins. I'm getting lost. I'm doing what I want to do and trusting that He has a hand in those desires. 

Because when it comes down to it, I don't want the things I know are bad for me. I don't want to go get hammered (even if it's only on wine) at the bar and hook up with somebody. I don't want to be reckless with my heart or anyone elses. I don't want to go start shooting heroin into my eye balls. I want to look stupid, I want to try new things, I want to just be me. Not who I want to be or think I ought to be or who anyone else thinks I ought to be. I just want to be me.

And let me just... finish with this. Only when I am being me and loving being me do I REALLY want you to be you and love you for being you. I don't want you to be just like me. I am more than enough of me. I want you to be you, and I thank you for the privilege of knowing you. You are awesome, and I'm sorry for the times that I've tried to fit you into a box and thank you for the times you've thrown it back at me and called me an ass. I'm not going to live in my box anymore; I'm not going to put you into a box anymore. 

And I'm not going to put God in a box anymore.